One of Those Nights
by RevolverKiss
Summary: The nights were always the worse, but the company of another can ease the pain. A collection of midnight talks, soft smiles, and cups of tea.
1. You Aren't The Only One

**A/N: UPDATE! This is now starting off a year after the first Avengers movie. I** **t's all just cute stuff I imagine happened between the first Avengers and the new one. I will point out times where they left to be in other movies, idk. Keep in mind this is spread out over a nice chunk of time. I'm rating it T for the slight chance they discuss nightmares in detail.**

 **Avengers and Marvel characters don't belong to me. Just writing about them.**

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The Avengers had established a routine, as odd of a routine as it was. During the day, when they weren't saving the world, their days flow together in a perfect rhythm. Everyone had their own things to do, to keep them busy. It was a sort of normalcy one wouldn't expect for superheroes, the sort of normalcy that made Natasha unsettled. Their days were good; everyone kept themselves busy and could pretend to be alright. Nights were the hardest part. It became evident no one could sleep and when they did, they were plagued with nightmares. She knew because she was in the same situation as everyone else.

Tonight was the same as most: Natasha's eyes flashed open as she forced herself to wake up from her nightmare. Slowly, she sat up, wiping the cold sweat from her forehead. Her eyes ran over the dark room, making sure she was alone before she let out a breath she had been holding far too long. With slumped shoulders, she got out of bed and pulled on her robe over her cotton tank top and shorts.

This was part of their routine. Getting a full night's sleep was a rare accomplishment for the team members that lived on base. Instead of sleeping, the team could usually be found in pairs throughout the building. It was rarely the same two; they sought out whoever was awake or were doing something that suited their needs that night. After all they had seen since they became heroes, it was hard to deal with the weight they carried, especially at night. The nights were the worst part. It made the weight so heavy that they would seek out companions, just someone to sit quietly with you and pretend everything was alright. Even Natasha found herself needing that.

Tonight was a night she needed to pretend with someone, so she exited her room. She made her way down the hallway that had all their rooms, even for the members who only lived here part time. Where the hall ended, it opened into a large living room connected to a kitchen. A wall separated the two rooms, but it had a hole in it so you could see into the other room.

At the couch was Clint, his usual spot when he wasn't home with Laura and the kids. Clint was the most likely to have company at night. Natasha believed it was a mixture of Clint's personality, the odd father role he was forming with the group, and the fact that killing things on video games had a way of distracting a person. He was slumped over, Xbox controller on the ground in front of him. The television still flashed brightly in the dark room, but was on mute. Quietly, Natasha turned off the television and console. She picked up a blanket from under the coffee table and draped it over her partner. Out of everyone, she was the closest to Clint and was so relieved he was getting sleep. Out of everyone, he was the second person that slept the most.

Next, she made her way to the kitchen. On nights where she couldn't sleep, she searched the areas they usually met. She would accompany any woken soul or take care of the few that managed sleep. Today, the kitchen held another two sleeping souls. Heads down on the counter, mugs in hand were Tony and Rhodey. Tony lived here part time technically, but with each month he was spending more time here than home. Pepper was very busy with the business and Natasha knew he didn't want to stay alone. Rhodey had gotten back the day before and was spending some time at base. The two friends were fast asleep. Natasha carefully removed their cups from their hands and emptied out the cold cups of tea. She made herself one and turned the lights off as she left.

Natasha got in the elevator and headed down to the ground floor. The only people left tonight were Bruce and Steve. Thor was off planet for the next week.

She knew Steve was running laps tonight, she saw him from the living room window. Some nights that was exactly what she needed: to burn off as much energy and frustration as possible. Tonight wasn't one of those nights. Her last option was Bruce. Usually, Bruce was passed out in a lab (Tony's usually place too). Natasha usually checked on him when she made her way back to bed. He would be lying on a counter, glasses askew on his face, and twitching. His dreams seemed to be the most intense.

Tonight wasn't one of Bruce's usually nights. Tonight was one of his rare excursions out of the lab. Once Natasha stepped outside, she could see his figure sitting on one of their benches outside. Slowly, she made her way to him. It was a cool summer night and the air against her skin was exactly what she needed. It reminded her she was here, now, in the present and not trapped in her dreams.

She sat down next to Bruce, who was staring up at the clear night sky. He was still dressed in his usual dress shirt and slacks. Bruce was one of the few that never even bothered trying to sleep. He just let it take him when it could.

"Hey," Natasha spoke quietly. She held her warm mug with both hands, watching the steam rise slowly.

"Couldn't sleep either?" he asked. He sounded so tired, but the exhaustion hadn't been enough to win. She felt for him.

"I rarely do," she admitted. Her voice was somber. It was the truth.

"Do any of us?"

"No, not really." She watched him as he purposely avoided looking at her. She knew how he was feeling. He was suffering like the rest of them, but unlike everyone else, he had never sought out another's company for comfort.

It was quiet for a long moment and Natasha sipped her tea, closing her eyes for a moment. The sounds of summer nights filled her ears: crickets chirping, light breezes rustling leaves. "You know," she said softly, opening her eyes to look at him, "we all worry about you." Banner just shook his head.

"Everyone is having a hard time sleeping, Bruce, we all get the nightmares. We get it—"

"No, you don't," he said evenly, eyes closed in pain.

"Then explain to me what's so different for you."

"I see them, all the people I…the Other Guy has killed. The looks of terror everyone has when I change. They…They haunt me."

The quiet night took over once again. Neither of them spoke for a couple of moments.

"You think I don't get that?" Natasha whispered. Her voice filled with emotion. "You think I don't have the same sort of dreams? Bloodied bodies, screaming, crying, begging? You aren't the only one that's killed people, Bruce." Her voice cracked and she took a pause for a deep breath. "You aren't the only one…"

Natasha stared up at the sky for a moment, trying to fight the oncoming tears. She rarely spoke of her pain; only in late night talks with Clint did she ever reveal the weight she carried, the lives she had stolen. The weight of hundreds of souls rested on her shoulders. She was a trained assassin. Her only purpose on this world was to kill and she was desperately trying to change her fate.

"I'm sorry," Bruce said quietly eventually. He always assumed he was the only who did damage. "I…You understand." In his conceding, he was letting her know he understood her as well. It was the first step to unlocking the door that he hid all his pain behind. He wasn't the only one who was a killer; just the only one that had no control over it.

"Do you want some tea?" Natasha asked softly. She held the warm mug out to him and he took it awkwardly.

"Yeah," he murmured. Neither of them wanted to talk about what they had done. Tonight wasn't one of those nights.

"You can talk to us about your pain," she told him, making eye contact. The concern in her eyes was so genuine. "Not everyone has been through the same thing, but we all are suffering and we all want to help." As odd as it was, her team was the closest thing she had had for family besides Clint in a long time.

Bruce nodded. "I'll keep that in mind," he promised. He handed Natasha back her cup of tea. "Thank you, Natasha." His eyes showed he meant it.

"You're welcome, Bruce."

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 **A/N: Hope you liked the first segment. I have no idea how many I'll make, especially since finals are coming up, but I have four parts completed at this moment. Hope you enjoyed it!**


	2. Distract Me

**A/N: This chapter was fun to write. I have the next two prepared still and I was going to wait, but I really like having people read what I write so hear y'all go.**

 **I don't own Avengers, Marvel, or any of the other stuff.**

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"No!" Natasha shouted, sitting upright in bed. Her heart was racing and she was breathing quickly. A cold sweat broke out on her forehead. She felt nauseous. Some nights were far worse than the others. Tonight was one of those nights.

"Fuck," she muttered, tossing her sheets aside and practically stumbling out of bed. She couldn't stay in her room, she felt like she was suffocating. Her skin crawled and she felt so disgusted with herself. She needed fresh air and badly. On her way out, she grabbed her robe and threw it on over her pajamas.

Natasha made her way quickly to the living room. It was filled with flashing lights, which didn't help. Clint sat on the couch, awake and playing his game. She had to walk past him to get to the elevator and she was a mess.

"Hey," he said, not looking away from his game, "wanna go a few rounds?" It was habit for them to not address what was wrong unless someone mentioned their issues themselves.

"No thanks," she said quietly, residing pain lingering in her voice.

Clint looked up as she made her way behind the large couch. "Nat, wait," he said as a splash of red appeared on the television screen, signaling his character's death. "You're pale as hell. Do you wanna talk?"

"No, I really don't." She patted his shoulder as she walked behind him, but never stopped walking. She smiled at him from the elevator as the doors closed.

The moment she stepped outside, she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She understood truly why Bruce chose outside for his nightmare-recovery spot. The night air did wonders. Slowly, she let her breath out and opened her eyes. Watching her from the bench was Bruce, holding his own mug. He threw Natasha a small smile as she made her way over to him. Once she sat down, he offered her his mug and she accepted it with a nod.

"Thanks," she murmured and took a sip. She held onto the mug for a long moment, eyes closed as she focused on the feeling of the hot liquid running down her throat. Tea had become a steady staple for the Avengers. Most of them didn't want caffeine; they waited desperately to get tired. The only one still drinking coffee was Tony, but his solution to the nightmares was to never sleep.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked after she handed him the mug back. He took it as a signal that she was more together. Tonight he was the one facing her and she was avoiding eye contact.

"Yeah," was all she said.

"Nightmares?" Bruce asked. He was genuinely concerned. Natasha nodded. "Do you want to talk about it?" She shook her head. "Alright, but if you want to talk, we can. I'm all ears."

Natasha continued to stare out into the night. The cold air was bringing some color to her cheeks and she looked less frightened. "Please distract me," she whispered a few moments later.

"I…um…" Bruce looked away, thinking. "So, earlier today," he started, smiling at Natasha, "I was in the lab with Tony. We're working on a robot that can fight me—we don't have a name for it yet, but Tony has a board dedicated to awful, pun-filled names. This robot will distract me if the Other Guy loses control." He paused to make sure Natasha was following along. She nodded, signaling for him to continue.

"The thing releases spare suit pieces out to fix whatever the Other Guy damages on Tony's suit. Tony needed to test it, right? So he stands in the center of the testing area and throws his arm out, palm opened and reaching out expectantly. He waits for the hand piece to fly and latch onto his arm, but it doesn't. He goes and adjusts a few things on the machine before returning to stand. He throws his arm out yet ago and straight out of the machine launches the suit part he wanted. Only, it isn't stopping. If anything, it's going way too fast. It smashes right into Tony's jaw and sends him to the ground. You won't see him out of the labs for the next few days because he has the ugliest bruise he's hiding. He keeps complaining to Jarvis."

Bruce was smiling at Natasha. It was obvious he really wanted to cheer her up. A smile broke onto her lips and she shook her head.

"That man really is an idiot." She was amused by the men on her team. They always managed to do something stupid.

"You're telling me. I spend most my waking hours with him." It was Bruce's turn to shake his head in disbelief. "You should've been there though. It was great."

"I bet it was." Natasha took the mug from him again and sipped on more tea.

"Why are you out here tonight, Bruce?" she asked softly.

"I thought we weren't discussing this," he said lightly, almost teasing. Bruce Banner didn't tease, though. Natasha didn't think it was possible.

She shrugged. "I had to ask," she replied before handing him his mug back.

"If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?" Bruce asked suddenly.

"What?" Natasha asked, blinking in surprise at him.

"I'm distracting both of us now," he explained and she nodded.

"Hmm…" she started, looking off into the night again. "I've traveled a lot already. There are no sights in particular I want to see. I'd just like to go somewhere peaceful. I'd like the find the nonexistent place where there are no villains to fight and no world to save and no people to kill; somewhere where I could be just a person."

Bruce watched Natasha as she spoke. "Calcutta was a lot like what you're describing," he finally said. "I mean, there were still people to save, but I got to be a doctor. I took care of people and made them better. The only villain was sickness and that's much easier to cope with."

"That sounds nice." Her voice was so soft. She was making eye contact with him now and smiling slightly. "Tell me about it."

"It was nice. There were so many people that I blended in. No one knew who I was or that the Other Guy existed and it was wonderful. The city itself was overwhelming at times, but then I'd just leave for a while. It was so nice, the freedom of being able to just leave and…be."

"Let's go back sometime," she said suddenly and so quietly he barely heard. This was Natasha in her vulnerable state. Natasha didn't share feelings or have late night talks about faraway places, or when she did they were with Clint and that was it. Bruce's eyes widened. "Come on, why not? Someday, let's leave all this behind and go back to Calcutta. You can show me around and we can escape into the crowd." Her voice and eyes made it clear she meant it, but Bruce couldn't accept it to be anything but part of the distraction.

"Alright, we can go sometime."

"Promise me that you'll show me around," she insisted.

"I promise," Bruce replied seriously. "I'll take you to find the best Indian food you can get. We'll explore the markets and wander the outskirts."

Natasha smiled and closed her eyes. She leaned the side of her head against his shoulder, startling him. "Thank you, Bruce," she murmured quietly.

"Anytime, Natasha," he replied.

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 **A/N: I really like the idea of them planning their escape as a distraction. It's definitely how I cope with things and it just seemed so sweet. Hope y'all liked it! Please review! It helps motivate me :)**


	3. Running From Your Problems

**A/N: I really just love the name of this chapter honestly. I'll say more at the end.**

 **I don't own Marvel or the Avengers!**

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Some nights, Natasha wasn't plagued with nightmares. When she wasn't having nightmares, she just couldn't sleep. Tonight was one of those nights.

She had no idea how long she had been running, but her lungs were on fire and she could hear her pulse pounding in her ears. Natasha stopped running and placed her hands on her head, desperately gasping for air. The cool summer night's air was perfect. It washed through her, cooling her down. On nights when she couldn't sleep, she would usually spar with Steve or run laps on the track until her legs just about gave out. Tonight was the latter.

After she caught her breath, she made her way to the grass by the side of the track. She laid down on her back, not even caring that the grass would make her skin itch where her yoga pants and sports bra didn't cover. She threw her arms out above her head and closed her eyes. Her work out had been exhausting, but sleep was nowhere close to winning over her consciousness that night.

Natasha didn't open her eyes as footsteps made their way through the grass toward her. She didn't open her eyes until the person making their way to her sat down next to her. When she did open her eyes, she found Bruce Banner sitting next to her with his legs crossed. He was still in his usual attire, but held a mug of tea in one hand and water in the other.

"I figured water would be a better option than hot tea tonight," he informed her, setting the water bottle on the grass next to her side. She couldn't help but smile.

"Thanks, Bruce." She sat up and drank about half of it before she laid back down.

"It's nothing. I saw you up from the living room and thought you could use some water before you passed out from pushing yourself too hard." He tried to play it off as a joke, but he could hide the concern in his eyes.

"I know my limits," she informed him, eyes narrowed.

"I say that same phrase a lot and it doesn't mean shit. You may know your limits, but that doesn't stop you from pushing them." He wanted her to know he wasn't trying to be rude, he was just worried.

"I'm secretly just hoping that if I pass out from exhaustion while working out, I won't have nightmares," she joked.

"Yeah, lessen your nightmares and add some onto the man that will find his unconscious team mate on the ground. Great plan," he said sarcastically. He sipped his steaming tea, shaking his head.

"I was joking," Natasha explained tiredly.

"Were you?" Bruce asked knowingly, causing Natasha to sigh.

"Alright, I get it. I'll be careful," she conceded.

"Thank you," he said politely with a nod.

They let the silence stay for a moment. Both of them were looking up at the sky. Out in the middle of nowhere, they had an amazing view of the stars. In Natasha's opinion, their base was most beautiful at night, but that might have been because she appreciated it most at night.

"If you could go anywhere, where would you go?" Natasha asked, breaking the silence.

"Didn't we already discuss this? I thought we were going to Calcutta." He smiled down at her, though. This distraction idea was a good one.

"No, we discussed where I wanted to go and you just happened to know where it was. It's your turn to answer," she informed him.

"Oh, alright," he said and paused, really thinking. His eyebrows pulled together when he thought hard and Natasha swore it was endearing. "I want to go…Well; actually, I want just about the same thing as you. I want to go somewhere where I can disappear in the crowd and become just a man, maybe even a doctor, but not more than that."

"Yeah know, I've heard a place just like that," she teased. Natasha's eyes were surprisingly bright for her usual night time discussions.

"And where is that?" he asked, going along with it. A smile was finding its way on his face as well.

"It's called Calcutta and it's in India. I've heard it has some amazing Indian food and a ton of people."

"That sounds exactly like what I want. Let's go there some time."

"Now, Bruce," she said with a deep voice. She sat up and fought a smile. "You know it isn't good to run from your troubles."

"You were literally running from your problems not ten minutes ago." He chuckled at her and Bruce Banner rarely laughed. It made Natasha break into a smile.

"Fine, whatever, we can go." She gave in.

"Promise me?" Bruce demanded jokingly.

"I promise." Natasha was smiling and laughing. She fell back down onto the grass, arms wrapped around her stomach as she laughed. She wasn't sure if it was actually as funny as it seemed to her, but laughing just felt good right then. Laughter was what she needed. Soon, Bruce joined her. He laid by her side, staring up at the sky and smiling as well.

"It'd be a good trip," he said once her laughter calmed down.

"Bruce, I mean it. Let's go sometime." She rolled onto her side and looked directly at him, propping her head up on her elbow.

"Wait, really?" he replied, disbelief in his voice. He mimicked her movements.

"Yeah, why not? At some point we'll have a vacation from this job and we'll go to Calcutta together."

He searched her eyes for a long moment. "Do you really think it'll be safe to travel with me?"

"I trust you, Bruce." She meant it.

"But do you trust the Other Guy?" he asked seriously.

"I think I can handle him." A small smile found its way back to her lips.

"Natasha, this isn't a joke. I'm dangerous—"

"Yeah, so am I," she replied easily.

"It's not the same! I destroy things without control when I get mad! I hurt people!"

"I do too, but I do it willingly," she whispered. "If you're such a monster for destroying and killing when you have no control, what am I? Killing is _easy_ for me." Her eyes stung as she spoke, but she didn't break eye contact. She wanted him to tell her she was a monster. She wanted him to throw her trust back in her face.

Bruce took a long time to reply, but he held her eye contact. "You aren't a monster," was all he said, a whisper so quiet the breeze almost stole it.

"I know what I'm asking Bruce. I'm not stupid or naïve."

"Then let's go to Calcutta," he replied quietly, offering her a faint smile. All Natasha could do was nod. She laid her head back down on the grass, but kept looking at him. It was quiet for what seemed like hours, but neither of them broke eye contact for fear of ruining the trust they had gained from the other. They laid their until the sky started having streaks of pink across it.

"Thank you, Natasha," Bruce whispered.

"You're welcome, Bruce," she replied softly, meaning every word.

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 **A/N: Please keep in mind while reading this that Natasha really has no idea how to cope with these things and I feel like Bruce has trouble too. Both of them think they have it worse and they shouldn't address it like they do. They don't know better. Besides that, hope you enjoyed them staying up all night long!**

 **Thanks for reading! Please leave reviews for what you think!**


	4. Something Like A Lullaby

**A/N: Okay so honestly I love this chapter. It was fun to write and I really wanted to introduce the idea of it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel or any of this stuff, alright?**

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Natasha looked at her clock to find 3:04 blinking back at her in red, block numbers. She wasn't afraid of sleep and she wasn't bursting with energy. Tonight, Natasha's mind was coming up with an idea. She laid in bed for another ten minutes before she climbed out and pulled on her robe. She left her room, not running from her nightmares.

In the living room she found Clint and Thor asleep, both with controllers dropped in front of them. She turned off the muted television and console before draping a blanket over both of them. From there, she could see through the wall made of glass. Down below, she could see that the bench was empty. If Bruce wasn't there, he was asleep in his lab. Tonight, she wanted to talk to him.

Before she went to look for Bruce, she stopped in the kitchen. Steve was asleep there, but two mugs were before him. She emptied them both, assuming the second had been Sam's before he left. Natasha made two new cups of tea before heading down to the labs. She searched three before she found him.

Natasha quietly entered the lab to find Bruce sitting in a rolling chair, slumped over onto the counter. His glasses were askew and he was drooling on his notebook. The man was twitching and murmuring to himself. She set the tea a foot or so away from him on the counter and smiled sadly. She was happy he was sleeping, but, quite selfishly, she was sad she wouldn't be able to talk to him.

Just as she turned to leave, his grunting got louder. Natasha set her mug down on the nearest counter and turned to look at him. His expression was pained and the twitching was much worse. Without stopping to think, she made her way over to her friend. She touched his shoulder gently and shook him awake. His eyes flashed open and he bolted up. Frantically, he looked around the room, breathing heavily; the signs of escaping a nightmare.

"What…I…why are you here?" he asked eventually, wiping the drool from his chin with the back of his hand.

"I came to check on you and you were having a nightmare," she explained softly. She pushed his mug toward him and grabbed hers before seating herself in a nearby chair. "I couldn't just leave you like that…" she added so quietly he wasn't sure he really heard her.

"Oh, well…thank you." His voice was raspy from sleep still. Slowly, he picked up the hot mug and drank from it.

"Bruce, I had an idea I wanted to run past you," Natasha spoke eventually. Bruce looked up from the cup and into her eyes. He had this way of making you feel like he really, truly cared about what you had to say when his eyes met your own. He nodded, telling her to continue and she took a deep breath.

"You know how you're afraid of hurting people as the Hulk?" she asked and he warily nodded. He broke eye contact to stare into his tea. "What if I had an idea to help calm him down? It could be a way to tell him you were safe or something?"

"I'm not so sure that'd work…" he murmured, still not looking up.

"Bruce, he's on our side, _your_ side. He wants you safe. He's helped us all out before. Maybe you should trust him a tiny bit?" She spoke cautiously, careful not to upset him. She wasn't afraid of the Other Guy, no, she was afraid of losing his trust.

"Trust him?" he asked, completely baffled. He looked back up at her, making sure she was serious.

"Please, just let me try?" she pleaded, something Natasha Romanoff never did. Bruce sighed heavily.

"What's your idea for the signal?" he asked tiredly.

"Something like a lullaby. Here," she said, setting down her mug and signaling for him to do the same. She rolled her chair in front of him, close enough for their knees to bump. She could tell he was startled enough by this. Bruce rarely had human contact. He set his mug down and looked directly at the woman in front of him.

Natasha reached her hand out toward him, stopping half way. Bruce stared at her hand, then into her eyes. She nodded and he extended his out to hers. She lightly ran her fingers across the top of his hand, causing him to shiver. Natasha moved her other hand under his, his larger hand resting lightly between the two. Her hands were so much smaller, but she was the one touching him like he was fragile. There was no fear in her eyes and that scared Bruce more than anything. He took a deep breath and nodded for her to continue.

"The sun's getting awful low," she started softly, voice soothing. Bruce didn't know how he knew, but she wasn't talking to him, she was talking to the Other Guy. Deep down, he felt it. She opened her mouth to continue, but the worry in Bruce's eyes made her stop. "Are you alright?"

Bruce nodded. He was out of breath. When did he stop breathing? He felt so calm, so soothed, but at the same time he was just waiting for her to be disgusted.

"Bruce, say something please," she requested, but kept her voice soft. Worry was finding its way into her eyes.

"I'm fine," he whispered. If she was any farther away, she wouldn't have heard him. "That might…it…maybe it could work." He paused, taking in a few shallow breaths. "He responded to it. It…Natasha, it could work." Bruce's eyes were filled with disbelief and his voice was full of shock.

"I'm glad." She nodded. Her voice was so sweet, so genuine that she couldn't even believe it belonged to her. The old Natasha Romanoff would've never have dreamed of a moment like this. "Next time, we'll try it." She realized she was still holding his hand in the both of hers. He wasn't moving away, but maybe he had forgotten too. Refusing to let him be the first to pull away, she slowly released his hand and set hers on her lap. She kept her knees against his, though. Human contact did wonders for the soul.

"Natasha," Bruce whispered quietly, but didn't go on.

"I know, Bruce, I know," she reassured him, looking right into his eyes. Something swelled in her chest and it scared her deeply, but in a better way than her nightmares.

"I think…I can sleep now," he informed her.

"I'll leave you then," she said and stood. Bruce copied her movements.

"I think I'll try my bed tonight," Bruce told her. It was known to all the Avengers that he never slept in his room. He only went in there to change.

"I'm glad." She offered him a warm smile and he returned it. She picked up her mug and he did the same. When they left the lab, he turned off the light.

They rode the elevator together, standing side by side and staring at the doors. Their hands touched and they both left them there. Nothing more than them resting against one another.

Together they exited the elevator, shoulders brushing as they walked. Both of them rarely got the privilege of the human contact they wanted. Natasha touched people all the time, including missions where her role was to seduce. She rarely got human contact she wanted. She had been trained not to indulge. Bruce never let himself touch anyone. He acted like his hands, in either form, would kill. Now that they had broken the barrier, it was hard not to touch each other. It was all innocent, barely-there touches, but they meant the world to two souls deprived of it for so long.

They walked past their sleeping team mates, dropping their mugs off soundlessly in the kitchen before heading to the hallway. Bruce's door was before Natasha's, who had the room at the very end. They stood outside his door for a moment.

"Thank you, Natasha," Bruce murmured.

"You're welcome, Bruce," she whispered back, squeezing his hand for good measure before heading to her own room.

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 **A/N: I hoped you all enjoyed it! Please leave a review and thanks for reading :)**


	5. Bullet Wound

**A/N: As of right now, these parts are before TWS but after the first Avengers. I've decided there will be a noticeable change after TWS.**

 **I also didn't realize there is a song with this title like wow.**

 **Oh, by the way, thank you everyone who reviewed, favorited, or followed. It really means a lot to me!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Avengers obviously.**

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Sleeping after a mission was always the riskiest. Natasha's body was exhausted and she was fighting to keep her eyes open as she rode the elevator up to their home floor. She knew that she would fall asleep the moment she laid down in bed, but with everything she just experienced, nightmares were likely to be far more violent. The choice was sleep with a high chance of nightmares or lots of caffeine. She hated to admit it, but not sleeping seemed so much better.

One hand holding onto her side, she exited the elevator. The whole floor was dark. Clint was home with his family, Thor was off planet, Tony and Steve were finishing the mission, and Bruce never hung around there at night. She didn't bother looking around the room, not caring. She headed straight to the kitchen. Not wasting any time, she started up the coffee machine.

Leaning against the counter, she lifted up the bottom of her tee shirt. The sight of her stomach was wrapped in a bandage caused her to sigh. It wasn't a bad injury or she would still be with the doctors, but it was bad enough to have Tony and Steve send her home. She brushed her fingers over the bandage and applied slight pressure where she knew the stitches were. A hiss slipped past her lips. Natasha hated being injured.

"That's not going to help," an even voice spoke from the doorway. Natasha's head snapped up and found Bruce Banner standing there. It was a foreign sight; the man was in plaid pajama pants and an old tee shirt. It was the first time Natasha had seen him out of his usual attire.

Pulling down her shirt, she said, "I'm aware of how injuries work." Her voice was stiff. She didn't appreciate being snuck up on.

"Then you know not to mess with it." Bruce walked into the room and leaned against the countertop in the center of the kitchen. "Care to explain?"

"The mission went sour. Guns started being fired. I was too tired and too focused on Tony's new suit fucking up to miss all the bullets. One caught my side." Her voice was even, emotionless, as if she was explaining the incident to a higher up. She grabbed a mug and started to fill it with coffee.

"Hey, Natasha, come on," Bruce said softly, moving behind her. He reached around her and gently took both the coffee pot and mug away. "It's one am, no one should be drinking coffee this late."

"God damn it, Banner, I can drink coffee if I want," she spat out.

"Listen to yourself! If you continue like this, you'll end up with more than a single bullet wound!" He dropped the pot and mug, quickly turning away. They both hit the floor. The mug shattered and the coffee pot rang loudly. He started to pace and took deep breaths. His body was twitching oddly, but not as violently as he did before turning. They stayed completely silent until he let out a heavy sigh. "Please, don't drink the coffee."

"Fine," Natasha whispered. She picked up the pot and set it on the counter. Bruce helped her clean up the remaints of the mug. "What are you doing out here?"

"No one else was here, so I thought I'd watch the stars from the couch instead tonight." Bruce turned his back to her.

"C'mon then." She walked past Bruce and gently took his hand on her way out of the kitchen. They barely held onto each other's hand, both afraid of what it meant, but he willingly followed her. It was some sort of an apology. Once they reached the couch, she released his hand and grabbed a blanket. When they sat, she draped it across both of their laps. Autumn had brought some pleasant chills with it.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you," she murmured. Tonight was one of the nights neither of them could look directly at the other. They snuck glances, but that was all.

"I'm sorry, too," he agreed.

"I don't want to sleep." She felt she needed to justify her actions to him. "Sleep after a mission is so deceiving. It feels so promising because your body is so tired, but the nightmares are always the worst if they come."

"I know." Slowly, he moved his hand toward hers under the blanket. When their fingers brushed, it felt like he could breathe a bit better. Being able to touch someone was such a special thing. He left their hands like that, fingers barely touching. Ever since the night they touched, they both had been craving it, the comfort it brought.

"How are the others?" he asked quietly, avoiding the topic of their hands.

"Both of them are fine. They're doing clean up now." Slowly, she leaned her head against his shoulder, still staring out the window.

It felt like forever had passed before anyone spoke again. The silence was comfortable. Neither of them moved their hands for fear of making the other think they didn't like their touch. It was just enough to connect them, but not enough to establish what it meant. Regardless, Natasha was thankful for it.

"Natasha…" Bruce murmured. His voice didn't even break the silence. If anything, it made it better.

"Yes?" she asked sleepily, eyelids barely staying open.

"What are you so afraid of seeing in your dreams?" The world hung in the air, followed by dead silence. She took a sharp intake of breath, loud enough for him to here. "You don't ha—"

"I'm afraid of seeing my old self." Her voice was quiet and timid. She had never heard any of the team elaborate on what their nightmares entailed. She was going against all her training, her whole life style, telling someone her fears. Natasha wanted him to trust her, and trust was a two- way street.

"I understand."

"Killing is so easy… It was all I had ever known for so long. Killing is easier than riding a bike. I never think twice about a life I took, not until I joined S.H.I.E.L.D. They never mattered to me before. The nightmares started coming when I realized I didn't just want to be a killer." Bruce could feel her shaking. Her voice was weak, barely there, and filled with shame. He lightly squeezed her hand.

"You aren't a killer anymore," he whispered. "You're a hero, you're a friend."

Natasha nodded against his shoulder. She couldn't bring herself to argue. Sometimes, it felt good to believe what others thought. Tonight was one of those nights. Tonight, she wasn't a killer. She knew she was no hero, but she wasn't a killer.

"Do you think we'll ever stop working with heroes?" When Natasha spoke, her voice was barely audible. She trusted Bruce and her team members, but she knew better than to talk of leaving loudly. She had no idea how the Avengers or SHIELD would react to that.

"I don't know," Bruce murmured, following her lead in talking quietly. "I don't imagine we can just hand in our resignation and leave. It isn't a normal job."

"I know. I don't…I don't want to do this forever." Natasha hadn't realized it until the words left her lips, but they were true. She didn't want to be a spy for the rest of her life. There was a lot she hadn't ever been able to do, so much that never seemed practical. Black Widow couldn't exist for forever, but she didn't want to die as her. She wanted to have some time being Natasha Romanoff.

"Neither do I." They both waited for the other to suggest an action to take, but they didn't. They could run away for good, but neither of them was ready to discuss that. They liked their team, but they didn't like their jobs. It was one or the other.

They let another long silence settle over them. The view from the Avengers' living room was beautiful and they took full advantage of it. Within a few minutes, Natasha's breathing steadied and Bruce new she was asleep. Slowly, Bruce moved out from under her head and gently laid her down on the couch. He adjusted the blanket so it was up to her shoulders and smiled softly.

"Thank you, Natasha." He left the room hopeful. If not everyone wanted to stay Avengers, maybe there was a way to retire.

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 **A/N: Two steps forward, one step back? Sort of? I think one of the most important things to consider about Natasha's life is that all her decisions until recently have had to be practical for her past career. Practical is the keyword for her background in my point of view.**

 **I hope you guys enjoyed it! Thank you all for reviewing so much! The next few chapters are a lot of fun :D**


	6. How To Make Friends

**A/N: So, take note that these nights are never back to back. They are all relatively spread out. The first four were during a summer and the last was in fall. From here on out they get a bit more spread out. It's still before TWS, but I'm having the nights start approaching it. I'll tell you when TWS lines up with it.**

 ** _UPDATE!_ I changed the start of the story's time to being about a year after the first Avengers movie. I'm working on making everything actually fit correctly throughout the gap between the first and second Avengers movies. I removed the name drop of Sam in the first chapter, btw.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own anything oh god**

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Natasha sat on their bench alone, cradling her mug and staring at the stars without really seeing them. It was beginning to get chilly out at night, so she had her coat on. Her nightmare hadn't been too bad this particular night. It had definitely been a nightmare, but it wasn't what was keeping her awake.

Recently, Natasha had realized she felt lonely. The feeling had slowly been seeping into her consciousness since she was assigned to the team. Before all of this, she saw what Clint had and was happy for him. She was never jealous of him because she had never wanted to be that close with someone; she had feared it. Hell, she still feared it. The idea of giving so much trust to one person was petrifying. She was already struggling with becoming friends with the Avengers, trusting someone more than that seemed unbearable.

Earlier that day, she had gotten back from visiting Clint's home. It had been the first time she felt jealousy. She watched Clint and Laura's interactions and realized she didn't think she was even capable of achieving what they had. Natasha was jealous and afraid.

She knew she wouldn't be able to have a cute little family. Of course, she could always adopt, being sterile didn't stop that. No, she couldn't have one because of all the darkness she had allowed to take over her soul. Natasha was well aware that she would never live a peaceful life (no matter how much she dreamed with Bruce). She would never get to have a home with a husband and children because she couldn't have that normal of a life. It just wasn't possible.

Her next option was a few steps lower than that: friendship. Sure, she was friends with the team, to some degree, but she wanted more. Natasha wanted the team's trust and wanted to be able to return it. She wanted to trust them and have what Clint had with them. Natasha wanted to have more companionship.

"Hey," a voice broke through her thoughts. Walking toward the bench was Bruce, the man she was slowly earning the trust of with each nightly encounter.

"Hey," she returned and made space for him on the bench. Oddly enough, tonight he was in flannel pajama pants and a tee shirt. She raised her eyebrows at him and he let out a soft chuckle.

"I tried to sleep normally tonight," he explained.

"I see it worked out well." She smiled at him, gesturing to the bench.

"Yeah, turns out the nightmares like it even better when you're in bed." Bruce shook his head and nursed his own cup of steaming tea. There was just something so soothing about tea.

"I know, but at least you wake up in a bed and not on some hard counter." Nightmares were worse when you went searching for sleep instead of letting it find you, but Natasha really loved lying in her bed, wrapped up in blankets.

"I have no problem sleeping on hard surfaces. You get used to it."

"I'm aware of how that works," she replied with a smirk. She had slept in all sorts of places due to her missions.

Bruce nodded in understanding. "I always forget…" he murmured.

"I know what you mean. It's easy to forget other people have struggles, especially when your own are in the forefront of your mind all the time. Don't sweat it." Natasha smiled at him softly again and Bruce blinked for a moment before returning it shyly.

"Yeah, you make a good point." He paused, thinking out his words. "You know, out of everyone, I guess our…'struggles' really are the most similar."

"Pretty much. We definitely have more similar troubles than we do with the billionaire scientist." She knew Tony had his own problems that were just as important, but they were different. When she wasn't of calm mind, it was easy to discredit them. Tonight, with her warm tea, cool air, and clear mind, it was easier to recognize such facts.

He laughed softly. "He really screwed up in the lab again. I doubt he will be coming out of his labs anytime soon."

"Again? I went and found him last time to see the bruise. He didn't look happy when I laughed." She chuckled, remembering the scowl on his face.

"The man may be a genius, but when he gets excited, he overlooks things easily. The Hulk Buster—that's the name he's chosen—has a function that connects it to his Iron Man suit. Well, it over adjusted in some areas and have left patterned bruises on his arms. It actually looked pretty cool." He worn a smug smile on his face and sipped his tea rather happily for a man just escaping a nightmare.

"Wait, he named it Hulk Buster?" She let her concern slip into her facial features. Her first step in better friendships would be to show her true feeling a bit more and hide a bit less.

"Yeah. The point of it is to make his suit stronger and more durable so he can fight Hulk if he's lost control." Bruce explained it so easy and carelessly.

"So it's designed to hurt you?"

Bruce's brow pulled together in confusion as he tried to figure out the concern in her voice. "It's meant to distract the Other Guy and protect civilians. He doesn't really get hurt."

"I know," she muttered. It might be irrational to worry about Iron Man trying to harm the Hulk if he couldn't be killed, but it was still a thought she was having.

"It's an important plan to have. I can't always be in control." He was trying to make her understand; his body posture showed it. Bruce was leaning a bit toward her, one hand on his knee and eyes concentrated on her face.

"I get it, Bruce."

"Then why did you sound worried? I know it's dangerous for him, but I won't harm Tony too bad—"

"Bruce, I was worrying about you," she spoke as evenly as possible. Natasha masked the concern in her voice; sharing one step at a time didn't mean expose your feelings right away.

"Why?" He looked genuinely puzzled.

"It's still you in there and I know the Hulk won't let you get hurt, but I can't help but worry." She let the words fall out of her mouth. Friendship meant exchanging thoughts…

"It's ridiculous to worry about that—"

"I know, Bruce, but I am, alright?"

It got silent for a long, awkward moment. Natasha was uncomfortable with sharing her feelings. Bruce was uncomfortable having someone worry for him or the Hulk.

Then, his hand gently touched the one Natasha had balled on up her knee. Her head snapped down and she watched as he rested it on hers. His hands were so much larger (and hairier) than hers. His hand was warmer from holding his tea while Natasha's had been cooled by the night air. "Thank you for being concerned." When he spoke, Natasha tore her eyes from their hands and looked into his. She knew he meant his words, even if he was confused by her feelings.

"You're welcome Bruce. That's what friends do," she replied softly, giving him a warm smile. Bruce Banner was her friend and she wanted to earn his trust. After being a spy for so long, the only people who really trusted her anymore were Clint and his family.

"You know, you're a good person, Natasha. Don't let all the nightmares get to you." His words range loud and clear through her mind even though he spoke just as softly as she had. They struck something deep down in her and she found it hard to speak.

"Thank you, Bruce," she whispered, voice weak and tears blurring her vision. Friends showed each other their emotions, right?

"You're welcome, Natasha." He meant it.

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 **A/N: This is the clearest mind Natasha has ever addressed her problems with and I loved writing it! My friend Tristan drew fanart of them for me to post at the story cover, so check it out!**


	7. Controlling Emotions

**A/N: Here's a slight change in the usual style.**

 **Disclaimer: No, I don't own the Avengers.**

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Some nights, Natasha wasn't avoiding sleep. During the day, they all had stuff to do. Bruce would spend all day down in the labs and she rarely got to see them. She saw everyone but him during the day; they had the least contact. Bruce didn't go through much training. There was talk of putting him into the tactics, but they hadn't actually done it yet. For now, he stayed in the labs and Natasha was everywhere but there. Some nights, Natasha was awake just because she wanted to see Bruce. Tonight was one of those nights.

Natasha climbed out of bed and pulled on her hoodie. On nights like these, she felt uncomfortable. She wanted to talk to Bruce, but she didn't have a need to. She just wanted to be near him and that made her uncomfortable. Sure, she had wanted to talk to people before, obviously. Several nights of her life had been spent talking to Clint all night, but those nights were different. She couldn't put her thumb on it.

She walked out of her room and down the hall of bedrooms. Out on the couch was Clint and he nodded to her without looking away from the screen.

"Hey, Nat, wanna play a round or two?" he offered.

"No thanks. Have you seen Bruce around?" she asked, peeking into the kitchen to find Steve with his sketch book. Natasha smiled a bit; she loved when Steve spent his nights like this. It was second best to Steve sleeping well.

"No," Steve responded, not looking up. When she turned back to the living room, she saw Clint had paused the game and was looking at her.

"Why?" he asked, eyeing her suspiciously.

"I wanted to talk to him." She kept her voice even, not liking Clint's attention.

"Haven't you noticed, Clint?" Steve asked from the kitchen. He stood up and walked to the doorway between the rooms and leaned against the wall.

"Noticed what?" Clint asked.

"Natasha has been standing up our company for his," Steve teased, smiling.

"Aww, have you missed me kicking your ass?" she asked with a smirk. Steve chuckled.

"I'm glad you guys get along," Clint chimed in and Natasha looked at him.

"Yeah, he's a good friend," she murmured with a smile. She caught the glance Steve and Clint shared. "Watch it you—" She stopped midsentence when she saw Bruce enter the living room. His forehead gleamed with sweat and distress was obvious in his eyes. He hurried to the elevator, only looking up to make eye contact with Natasha before he pressed the button calling the elevator. It was obvious he had just woken up from a nightmare. The other two men looked anywhere but at him.

Natasha had caught his brief moment of eye contact and saw just how helpless he felt after this particular dream. Without really thinking about it, she rushed into the elevator with him and waved to the other two right as the doors closed.

"Sorry to interrupt," he murmured, staring down at the ground.

Natasha lightly touched his hand. "Don't worry. Nightmare?"

"Yeah…" They stayed silent, letting Bruce regain his composure as they reached the ground level. They walked out together, Natasha purposely brushing his arm occasionally. She could tell it helped calm him down.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked once they got outside. Instead of sitting on their bench, she led him out into the grass field they had. Toward the middle of it, she sat down and he did the same.

Bruce sighed and laid on his back. Staring up at the stars, he spoke, "It gets hard sometimes, always trying to keep control of my emotions."

Natasha nodded and laid down next to him. The fall air left the grass slightly damn and cold. She stared up, giving him the space to let any emotions play across his face that he wanted.

"It's just so…hard. I feel so much less alive than I did before the incident happened, before the Hulk came along. I'm afraid to show any emotion, whether it be crying or laughing. What's the point to life if I can't express what I feel?" His voice was strained and she knew he was fighting for control as they spoke.

It was strange because Natasha understood what he meant. For her, she had been trained to hide emotions while he needed control over them to protect everyone around him. She had it easier.

"It begins to feel empty," she whispered and he quickly turned to look at her. She met his gaze and realized he had just come to the same conclusion she had: they were both in the same boat.

"It does," Bruce agreed. He completely turned to lie on his side and face her like they had the night at the track. She did the same. "I hate it. I hate having to live with everything pushed down, but I have to. If I don't, I can hurt everyone around me. I'll continue doing it for everyone's sake, but I hate it so much."

"You don't always have to." She made her voice as soft as it had been when she spoke the lullaby. He was already shaking his head. "Bruce," she reached out and touched his hand and he stopped shaking his head, "you can let some of the emotions out. Doing what you're doing, what we do, it makes you a ticking time bomb. Let some of it out. The Hulk comes out with anger, right?"

He shrugged and nodded, but didn't speak. She was surprised he was letting her go on about all this.

"Then shouldn't it be fine if you let yourself laugh and cry? Just let bits of control go at a time and you'll find the perfect balance. You can't stay at 100% control all the time and be alright." She was so concerned for him.

"I'm so afraid it'll go wrong," he whispered, looking right into her eyes. He was so…vulnerable.

"It'll be fine, but if anything goes wrong, we'll have a chance to try the lullaby, right?" Natasha offered him a comforting smile. "We can work on this together, one step at a time. Just let a bit of control go next time you feel a surge of emotion. Maybe laugh harder at Tony's injuries or cry a bit after a nightmare or those romance movies Steve watches way too much."

"You've been doing a good job, you know," Bruce told her quietly and returned her smile. "I've seen it recently. You are letting yourself feel more human too."

"It's so…nice, yet terrifying. I've never been allowed to just feel what I wanted to feel. I always have to keep it in control; that's how I was trained. Feeling all this is so nerve racking." Natasha wanted to lie back on her back and stare at the stars, but she couldn't manage to look away from his eyes. It was honestly so comforting.

"I used to be able to feel whatever I wanted, before all this happened. It makes you feel free. I hope you get to experience it." Bruce's voice was so sincere that Natasha's eyes stung a bit. She still wasn't use to having people care for her, even after years of being Clint's friend. It was going to take a life time to adjust to.

"Imagine if we both got to feel however we wanted, whenever we wanted," she murmured. She let a lazy smile slid onto her lips. "Let's start over. What would you want to be doing if the Hulk had never happened?"

"What I was doing before," he replied simply. "I would want to go back to doing research, but maybe not experimenting with such dangerous things."

"That's a good idea," she said with a chuckle. "I'd…I think I'd like to work with children, maybe." She loved being around Clint's two kids. "Maybe I'd be a teacher or something." Natasha shrugged and Bruce laughed.

"I bet kids just love you." He smiled at her.

"They do," she said honestly and Bruce looked at her, puzzled. She didn't give him the chance to ask when she had time to spend with children. "I'd live in California and spend my weekends on the beach."

"I could visit and we could see the red wood trees," he planned. This habit of them imagining things really did make the present easier to cope with.

"It'd be nice," she murmured.

"It would be," Bruce agreed. He found her hand and squeezed it again. "Thank you for coming out here with me, Natasha." For some reason, it relaxed her to feel his hand and hear her name leave his mouth.

"You're welcome, Bruce."

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 **A/N: I really wanted to give Bruce some time to share, but writing his parts are harder. I have the more complicated details of his Hulking out stuff saved for later. Thanks for reading! Please review! All of your comments mean a lot to me :)**


	8. Trust and Comfort

**A/N: I am so sorry. The rest of this note will be at the end.**

 **Disclaimer: Yeah, I definitely don't have the money to own the Avengers or anything Marvel.**

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Natasha couldn't say that she hadn't seen this coming, but it was harder than she had imagined. Looking at her room, she realized it had become home to her. She didn't have much on the walls, but she had a photo of the team and one of her and Clint taped up on the wall. Her closet was full of clothes and the bed was covered in her favorite blankets. She knew she had to pack it all up; Fury didn't say how long their mission could last. Natasha really didn't want to move to Washington D.C.

She didn't have too much to pack. All her clothes and belongs fit in a few boxes. Fury told her and Steve to leave their boxes in their rooms; they would get picked up the next morning. Glancing at her watch, she knew she had about an hour left. He hadn't given them enough time to talk to the others, but she assumed that was the point. He didn't want them questioning him.

It was just after one when Natasha left her room. Lightly, she knocked on Bruce's door. She needed to tell him she would be gone for a while; it would destroy the trust they had built to just disappear completely. It would be different if it was just a few weeks on a mission, but Fury had them moving out of base…

The door opened and there stood Bruce Banner in his flannel pajama pants, his hair messy from sleep. He rubbed his eyes before putting his glasses on. "Is everything alright, Natasha?" he asked groggily, looking very puzzled. She really liked it when he said her name.

"Not really. Can we talk?" she asked softly. "It can't wait until morning…" Guiltily, she looked down at the floor. He had actually been trying to sleep recently and she had woken him up.

"Yeah. Uh, do you want to come in?" he asked warily, glancing back at his mess of a room.

"No, can we go out to the bench?" she requested. Bruce nodded and lightly took her hand. His concern was etched across his face. Natasha felt bad for making him worry, but let him lead her out to the elevator and then to the bench.

"Now, what's wrong?" he asked softly, sitting next to her on the bench.

"I'm, uh, leaving." Her voice was quiet and she couldn't meet his eyes.

"For good?" he asked suddenly, worry and shock in his voice. Natasha shook her head.

"No, Fury has Steve and I moving to Washington D.C. for a mission. We don't know when we'll be back. We've already packed all our stuff and we leave in an hour." She really hated this. Bruce was her friend and she didn't want to leave for an unknown amount of time.

"Wow," he murmured and leaned against the back of the bench. "That's sudden."

"He wants Steve to adjust better to society. Besides that, I can't really share details." She looked up to see Bruce nodding. It got quiet for a long moment…

"I'm going to miss our talks," Bruce spoke carefully, thinking out his words. Natasha could see a new confusion in his eyes.

"I will, too," she said softly. "I don't really have a lot of friends. I was just getting used to having a new one."

"I feel the same," he said with a smile. His hand was still holding hers and he gave it a squeeze. "Do you think I'll see you any time soon?"

"I should be back at base every now and then, but I don't know when I'll be sleeping here again." She couldn't help but feel sad. She rested her head against his shoulder.

"You have my cell phone number, right?"

"Yes." Her voice was a soft whisper now. It was cold out with winter right around the corner and she was glad for the heat he gave off.

"If you ever have a nightmare and want to talk, just call me, okay? We can talk just like this. I should always answer." His voice was so kind that Natasha's eyes stung. She had never had a friend that offered to do something this sweet. Clint always just assumed she would do so, which was how their dynamic worked, but there was something touching about hearing the offer.

"I will. You can do the same, Bruce. I can't promise to answer because of the missions I go on, but I'll always call back." Natasha rarely got to make promises she could keep and it felt good to make one she knew was possible.

"I know you will."

Natasha didn't know how she got to this point. Sure, she had traveled the steps to get here, but she was in disbelief. Bruce trusted her. Even if it was something like calling him back, it was trust and Natasha soaked it up. She fought her tears and smiled sadly down at their hands. She squeezed his hand back and ran her thumb along it.

Their hand holding still puzzled her. In movies it was always a sign of love or romance, but for them it was different. Natasha interpreted it as trust, which was of a high importance to her. She didn't know what he thought of it, but now wasn't the moment to ask. Tonight was the night to just accept what was.

"Besides Clint, I can't recall the last person that truly trusted me," Natasha whispered quietly, almost hoping he wouldn't hear. "It means a lot that you do."

"Besides Tony, I can't recall the last person that was comfortable being in such close proximity of me," Bruce returned. This was it, the tradeoff that was their friendship. Bruce gave her the trust she never got and Natasha gave him the comfort he never got. It was what they both needed and wanted desperately. "It means a lot to me too, Natasha."

"I'm glad."

"You know, we will still be friends whenever you get back. There is no need to be so sad. It's not like I'm going to disappear. I doubt Fury will let me go into hiding, so for now I'm stuck here. You'll come back in time and I'll be here." His voice was soothing and it made Natasha's eyes stop stinging.

"I'm just going to miss this bench and these nights. They've been so nice." She picked her head up and looked out at the stars they were becoming so familiar with.

"They have been, but you have a job. Fury wasn't going to keep you here for forever. He was giving the world time to calm down about the Avengers before letting you to rejoin society. It's time for you and Steve to go work again." Natasha knew it was all true, but it made more sense when he said it.

"What will you do when he sends Tony off to join society again?" Natasha teased. "Will you survive without your science buddy?"

"My chance of survival might increase if Fury takes him away," Bruce chuckled and Natasha joined in. Laughter was what they needed at the moment.

"You'll be so bored without him messing stuff up."

"Of course I will be. Fury isn't going to be moving me with everyone else though. He wants to keep an eye on me without having me near civilians. This," he gestured with his free hand, "is the dream location for it. I'm here and no one will get hurt. I can't say anything against it besides it might get lonely."

"You can always call," she reminded him.

"I know." He offered her a soft smile. Behind them, they heard the doors open and close. Glancing back, they saw Steve in his coat standing outside.

"Guess it's time for you to go," Bruce said sadly, but with a smile. Natasha nodded and they stood. For a moment, neither of them knew what to do. On an instinct, she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him lightly. It shocked him, but after a moment he hugged her back gently. "Be safe," he murmured.

"I will," she promised and smiled. Was it weird she thought he smelled nice?

Pulling away, she smiled at him before backing away. She waved once. "Thank you, Bruce."

"You're welcome, Natasha." And with that, she left with Steve.

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 **A/N: No, this isn't the end. This is the lead-in to TWS. Since Steve is supposed to live in D.C., I decided he should actually be there. With Natasha. She'll come back eventually, don't worry. This is supposed to bridge the two Avenger movies! And, btw, I removed the bit about Sam already being introduced. Ignore that.**

 **Please review and don't hate me!**


	9. Been Busy But I Have A Nice Car

**A/N: I rewatched TWS and took notes so this shit could be remotely accurate. Hope ya like it lol. This chapter is just pure fluff. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel or the Avengers.**

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Some nights, Natasha really didn't mind living in Washington D.C. It was a beautiful area and she was enjoying spending more time with Steve. The move hadn't been horrible, but she missed Bruce. She missed going outside at night if she didn't want to sleep. She missed sharing a mug of tea with him. Natasha knew she could call at any time, but she didn't want to push that. Tonight, she was going to call him for the first time since the move.

Natasha was lying on her back in her bed, staring at Bruce's contact at her phone. It was barely midnight so he should be awake. She pressed the call button and put the phone to her ear. It rang a few times and then, he answered.

"Hey, Natasha," Bruce said warmly. He didn't sound like she had woken him.

"Hi, Bruce," she replied, smiling to herself. "I just wanted to call and see how you were doing. I've been really busy lately, but I didn't want you to think I forgot about you." Natasha had really gotten into the habit of teasing people recently, especially because teasing Steve was just so much fun.

"I didn't think you forgot," he chucked, "I figured you were busy. I'm the same as usual. Tony keeps me really busy, but besides his company, I don't see many people often."

"Yeah…Fury has everyone active again. The time for lying low has passed." She let out a sigh. What they all did was important, but it sucked that Bruce was being left alone more. He didn't say it, but Natasha was aware of all the tasks Fury had been giving Tony recently.

"It makes sense. I understand why he's having me stay here."

"Bruce…" She felt so bad leaving him alone there! They had just gotten used to having company.

"Natasha, it's fine, really. We both know it makes perfect sense. Everyone is safer if I'm far away, but still being monitored. It…it could be worse."

"I'll see if I can come visit soon—"

"You don't have to—"

"I want to, alright? No promises though; Fury has me really busy lately. When I'm not on missions, I'm in headquarters doing other stuff."

"I'm going to assume you can't tell me what you actually do there." His voice sounded off, but Natasha couldn't put her thumb on it.

"No, I can't. I'm sorry, Bruce…"

"Have you been safe? Any injuries yet?" Natasha could hear is concern and it made her smile sadly.

"I've been as safe as I can as a spy, Bruce. I'm fine, really. If I get injured, I'll have Steve call or something, alright?"

"Thank you," he said softly. His concern was heartwarming.

"Wanna hear about the perks of the move?" she asked after a comfortable pause. She wanted to talk about something else.

"Sure," he said and Natasha could hear his smile in his voice.

"Well, both Steve and my apartment are pretty nice. They were already furnished and everything. I know it's only temporary, but they did pretty damn good." She loved her apartment. It was small, but cute. Steve's was bigger, but it definitely didn't feel as homey. Plus, his was filled with out dated stuff.

"I'm glad they set you up nice," he laughed.

"Me too! I also got this sleek, black sports car. Bruce, men drool at it at gas stations. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Yesterday, some guy asked to touch it." Her disbelief was dripping from her voice.

"I can just imagine your reaction."

"Oh, yeah? What'd I do then?"

Bruce took a long moment to choose his words just right. "You gave him a cold stare and bluntly told him he couldn't. It was effective and he backed away."

"Ding ding ding, we've got ourselves a winner!" They both chuckled together.

"I'm happy it's been going well for you. How's Steve?"

"He's doing well. We've been working together a lot and we even hang out sometimes outside of work." She sounded proud.

"Yeah? How's that going?" She could tell he was happy for her and that made her smile more.

"It's pretty good. I know he doesn't trust me, but I'm trying to prove myself. It's, uh…it's taking some time. It isn't bad, though, of course not. It's nice to be with him and I spend about half our time making jokes about how old he is." Natasha started to laugh, keeping Bruce from questioning the start of her statement. "He keeps this notebook in his pocket to write down all the new stuff he doesn't know."

"Give the guy a break, he can't help that he was frozen!" He laughed with her, understanding that she wanted to keep the conversation going positively.

"But Bruce, it's the funniest shit. I came up with a great one today and I'm going to use it soon. Wanna hear it?" she asked eagerly.

"You've begun to plan jokes against Steve. Wow, Natasha, are you sure they're keeping you busy?" His laughter made her miss living on base.

"Shh, I'm always busy, but this was a break through. Come on, ask what it is!"

"Alright. What is your brilliant joke for Steve?"

"The plan is that, next time I pick him up, I'm going to drive up in my beautiful car and say 'I've come to return a fossil to the Smithsonian'." She laughed at her own joke and he joined in.

"I take back what I said, that was a good use of your time."

"I know," she said confidently.

"I really am happy you're doing so well, Natasha. Give Steve some more time and he'll warm up to you more. Don't worry about it." Bruce knew she didn't want to discuss it, but he wanted to comfort her about it.

"I'm trying to be patient, but it…it sucks that I trust him and he doesn't trust me…" Her voice got quiet. She pulled her blankets tighter around her.

"I know exactly what you mean. You really just have to give it time. I'm doing the same with everyone, too, and look how it's worked out: you trust me. It just takes time." His voice was so warm and, per usual, it soothed Natasha to know someone else was sharing her struggles.

"Thank you, Bruce," she said as sincerely as she knew how.

"You are very welcome, Natasha," he replied with the same level of sincerity.

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 **A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! She won't be gone for long, don't worry!**


	10. Aching Chest

**A/N: So, warning, this chapter was not meant to go like this but oops.**

 **Disclaimer: I definitely don't own Marvel**

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Natasha stared at her clock feeling as if the red block letters were screaming "3:04 am" at her. Her nightmares weren't keeping her awake and neither was anything else related to her. Tonight, Natasha missed Bruce so badly her chest ached. It had been almost a month since they last talked. Back at base, that long without a nightly talk didn't cause this ache; they would catch glimpses of each other during the day. This was bad.

Without hesitation, she took her phone off the nightstand and called Bruce. She bit her lip as the phone rang. Never in her whole life had she felt this overwhelmed missing a person. The phone only rang four times, but it felt like an entire lifetime. Right after the fourth ring, he answered.

"Hey, Natasha," Bruce greeted sleepily. "Everything alright?" She could hear the rustle of his sheets as he moved in bed.

"I miss you, Bruce," she whispered, afraid of the words leaving her own mouth.

There was a slight moment of hesitation. "I miss you too, Natasha," he responded with subtle shock in his voice.

"You don't have to say it if you don't mean it. I just wanted to tell you." Suddenly, she felt stupid.

"No, that's not it," he said quickly. "You just…you surprised me, alright? That was so out of the blue." His voice was sincere and washed away a bit of her embarrassment.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"Don't be. I'm not used to hearing that. Besides Tony saying it sarcastically, I haven't heard that statement spoken so honestly in…well, years." She knew he meant it; she could hear the desperation in his voice as he tried to explain himself to her.

"I miss you, Bruce," she whispered again, but softer. If he rarely heard it, she wanted to be the one to say it over and over again. It was true. Hearing his voice made the ache in her chest numb a bit.

"I miss you, Natasha." Bruce spoke sincerely, his words warm and honest.

"It just hit me so suddenly tonight. I was trying to sleep and then I realized it had been so long since I've heard your voice. It's been even longer since I've seen your face. I got so used to our night time talks…"

"They'll happen again. The bench is going nowhere."

Natasha chuckled. "Does it miss me too?"

"Of course it does. I will admit, I used to love being alone at night out there, but now it just feels wrong." She closed her eyes and soaked in his words.

"I'm glad," was all she could put together.

"Me too…"

Then, it got quiet for a while. They both realized the severity of some of their statements. Natasha didn't want to speak first. She would either have to recognize it or move on and both of those actions could change a lot.

"Tony and I have made a lot of progress with the Hulkbuster," Bruce said eventually. That was it; they both had decided not to address what was going on.

"Yeah? What's it do now?" she asked, going along with his lead.

"We've decided that, to make it usefully, we are going to have it as a satellite. It'll rotate Earth and be able to deploy quickly to wherever we are at." He sounded proud, but listening to him talk about a machine meant to hurt him felt wrong.

"That's a pretty smart idea. What exactly does it do again?"

"Well, for right now, the actually machine just sends off a larger suit to connect to Iron Man and then will continue sending more pieces to replace whatever I break. The coolest part was just added, though."

"What's the coolest part, Bruce?" she asked with a sad smile on her lips. She couldn't point out how sad this was when he was so proud.

"The satellite deploys this sort of cage to keep me busy before Tony makes it to me, incase I'm too far. We're pretty sure the Other Guy won't be able to break through it." Bruce was so pleased that he found a way to stop himself from hurting others.

"Okay, that's impressive," she agreed. "Would you still be willing to try our method?" Her voice was wary, afraid of his answer. She didn't want him to turn her down.

Bruce took a moment to think before answering and Natasha realized she was holding her breath. "I brought it up to Tony a few days ago, actually."

"You did?" she asked. She couldn't hide her surprise.

"He thinks it'll be an interesting thing to try, but we both agree we shouldn't until the Hulkbuster is finished, just in case." He was bad at hiding the worry in his voice.

"If that's what you want, we'll wait," she spoke softly. It was his limits they were pushing, not hers, and she was willing to approach it however he wanted.

"Are you sure you want to put yourself in that position, though?" he asked carefully.

"Bruce, I want to do this. If it works, it could change so much. Fury wouldn't think it was best to keep you so far away from civilization. You could be more invol—"

"What if I don't want to be?" he asked quietly. "I thought we both wanted to quit."

"I do, Bruce, but that doesn't mean I just get to," she said seriously. "For now, we both work for Fury and I think it'd be better for you if we could get to see that you aren't as much of a threat as he thinks. That worries me, okay?" She knew they couldn't take out the Hulk, but she didn't want the people above Fury thinking he was too dangerous.

"But I am a threat, Natasha, and we both know it! It's best if I stay out here, away from everything! I don't get to go live in Washington D.C. and work at Headquarters. I'm SHIELD's weapon that they only take out for the issues big enough that my damage won't be noticed! I'm not meant to be going on missions like you!" He was getting frustrated and she really didn't want to fight with him, but it was too late.

"We can't have them seeing you as more of a threat than an asset! Do you know what would happen if they thought the cons outweigh the pros a bit too much?" She heard a bit of desperation slip into her voice and she tried to rein it in.

"What? They can't kill me. I can't die, remember?" His voice was harsh and it hurt, remembering he had tried before.

"No, they can't kill you, but they could have half the world out looking for you! You wouldn't be running like last time, Bruce! It'd be worse! You'd be constantly running and hiding and we would all miss you! For God's sake, Bruce, you can't live a life like that! SHIELD can keep you safe!" She would miss him so much…

"At least everyone would see me as I am. I'm a threat, Natasha, and I don't want to lie to them about that." His voice was even and low.

"Sometimes, people need to lie."

"Yeah, well I'm not you. I don't do the lying thing well." His words cut through her. She didn't lie to him anymore, but that didn't mean he believed that. "Wait, Natasha, I don't mean—"

"No, it's fine, I get it. I really do. You might be a threat, but at least you aren't buried so deeply in your own lies you forget what is true." Her voice was detached and colder.

"Natasha! I don't mean that—"

"Bruce, it's fine. I've got to get going. Fury had a job for me tomorrow and I need sleep." Her voice trembled a bit and she had to take a deep breath. "Thank you, Bruce," she said over his protests. Then, she hung up with the ache in her chest worse than before.

* * *

 **A/N: Yeah, I am sorry. Keep in mind that, at least in the movie, every time they get closer, Bruce always tends to start pushing away again. Their relationship is very much two steps forward, one step back. Thanks to everyone who keeps reviewing and reading!**


	11. Not a Superhero

**A/N: I've been busy moving out of my dorm the past two days, so that's why I didn't do my usual post. I'm back at home, though. Hopefully I keep the same posting schedule. Thanks for reading!**

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"Please pick up, please," she whispered as she pressed a bit too hard on her phone, trying to call Bruce. She put the phone to her ear and listened to it ring.

Fury had sent Steve and her on a mission to a SHIELD boat with some of their men held hostage by pirates. She had just gotten home and it was almost six am. Soon, the sun would be rising and she would feel less sick. For now, she was so disgusted with herself.

"Natasha?" a groggy voice answered the phone. She let out a sob of relief. "What's wrong?" His voice was sounding more alert.

"It's been a rough night," she murmured. "Give me a moment."

"Of course," Bruce said softly. Natasha took a moment to compose herself; just having him on the other end of the line helped calm her. She crawled into bed and pulled her blankets tightly around her.

"Okay, I'm alright," she reassured him. "I'm not supposed to tell you the details of any mission—you don't have the clearance—so this is all a secret, okay?"

"Everything you tell me is a secret, but I understand." His words warmed her heart.

"Thank you," she said softly before starting. "I was sent on a mission with Steve, right? One of our ships were being held hostage by pirates."

"Did everyone get out okay?"

"Our men did," was her response and it said so much. "I killed at least twenty men in less than half an hour." They both got quiet for a moment.

"Did you get hurt?" Bruce asked softly.

"Does it matter? I killed so many people…"

"Yes, you did, people that were taking a ship that wasn't theirs and putting our agents at risk. Don't let that get to you, Natasha. They were bad people." He spoke so sincerely that Natasha felt herself slightly convinced.

"I didn't get too hurt. Steve and I were a bit too close to an explosion, so we are a bit singed. Nothing too bad happened." She knew he would worry if she never did answer. Her mind was beginning to clear.

"I'm glad you two are alright."

"I'm losing what little of his trust I had the more I work with him." Her voice was so quiet, so filled with disappointment.

"I'm sure that's not true," he tried to comfort her.

"He yelled at me about it, Bruce. He doesn't get it. Steve was sent in to that ship to save the hostages. I was sent in to kill and collect all of our information on the ship. I wasn't supposed to tell him what my part of the mission was. We have two different jobs and he doesn't get it. Steve gets to be a hero. He gets to be on posters and in museums. I'm no hero. I do the agency's dirty work and am lucky when my mistakes get smudged in the history records." Frustration, hurt, and desperation mixed together in her voice.

"Natasha…" Bruce started softly, but she didn't let him continue.

"It's true and we both know it. I was trained to do what I do; it's all I know. I've accepted that. You get it, Tony gets it, Clint gets it. This is my job in SHIELD. I just wish Steve would stop being so damn proud about our country and realize this is my part of the job. I'm not a hero!" Hot tears stung her eyes and she took a shaky breath.

"You've helped so many people with what you do. You're an Avenger. That makes you a hero."

"I don't want to pretend tonight, Bruce. I'm not a hero. I accept that. I just want Steve to do the same."

"Did you try explaining that to him?" he asked.

"Yes I did. We had a big argument about it. He is too prideful to accept that this needs to happen. He can't even look at me the same." Her voice broke and she started taking deep, slow breaths.

"He'll understand eventually. You have to give him time to stop being upset. Give it a few days and bring it up to him. He'll be more reasonable then."

"I'll try," she whispered and buried her face in a pillow. She kept the phone to her ear, but took a few moments to get herself back together.

"Natasha, it's okay to cry if you need to. You were the one that told me that. I'll stay on the line as long as you need," he told her and triggered a sob. She let her tears soak her pillow case.

"You're a good person. Yes, you have to do the dirty work, but all of that leads to good. Your work saves people. In the end, it all totals to good." Natasha changed her mind; she did want to pretend. She didn't know if she believed his words deep down, but for tonight, she would let them be real. She wouldn't doubt or second guess her work. Tonight was one of the nights were anything he said was true to her.

"I'm sorry about getting so upset last time we talked," she whispered eventually, voice raspy.

"It's fine. It was just as much my fault as yours. I was wrong when—"

"Let's not bring up the details again. I just…I still miss you, Bruce." The ache in her chest hadn't left. If anything, it had gotten worse not talking to him since their argument.

"I still miss you, Natasha," he replied without hesitation.

"I've never missed anyone like this, before," she admitted, voice barely audible.

"I think we should try the lullaby when you get back." His response wasn't as straight forward as hers, but it meant more in a way. Bruce wanted to become less of a threat to SHIELD. "Maybe, if it works, we can work together more." She could hear the conflict in his voice, but it was a big step forward.

"We'll test it next time we have the chance and then I'll talk to Fury about it. Does that sound good?"

"Yes, it does."

"We would make a great team," she teased.

Bruce chuckled. "We would scare our enemies so badly."

"We really would," she laughed. A yawn escaped her lips and she looked over to her window. Pink was beginning to mix in with the night sky.

"Someone sounds tired."

"You definitely do." She smiled to herself. "I guess I should go and sleep."

"You should. Don't be afraid to call soon," he told her.

"I won't be. Thank you for answering."

"I'll always answer for you, Natasha. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

* * *

 **A/N: If there is anything I've learned, it's that when you hold shit in too long and decide to deal with it, it gets messy. I'm trying to point that out with Natasha. Now that she's dealing with her problems, she gets nightmares and has breakdowns. That's what happens when you address shit. It's part of healing and she totally needs it.**


	12. Safety

**A/N: This chapter is no where close to the usual, sorry lol**

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"Steve, I need to stop and make a phone call," Natasha said seriously. They were speeding through D.C. after obtaining information from a man of Hydra. Her heart was pounding, gripped with fear.

"What in the world could possibly be important enough to stop and make a phone call?" Steve demanded. He was the one doing the driving while Natasha sat shotgun.

"Yeah, seriously, it can't be that important," Sam chimed in from the back seat. He had joined their ranks recently and, for the most part, Natasha was happy about it. She liked that Steve had a friend with similar struggles. Sam was a good guy.

"I need to call Bruce." She was gripping her phone tightly. Hydra knew what they were doing and would trace her phone easier than a pay phone. She needed to warn him.

"They won't hurt him Na—"

"Steve, he's a threat and staying in a SHIELD building. I just want to tell him to go to Tony's. I won't give him any other details." She let desperation slip into her voice, trying to convince Steve.

"You really care about him, don't you?" Steve asked with a sigh. He glanced at her for a moment as if he could tell if she lied.

"He's my friend," was all Natasha said. Her voice was even and showed no excess emotion. She didn't know what this horrible, tight feeling was in her chest, but it was something close to dread. "I know Bruce can't…can't die, but I don't think him Hulking out is what we need right now."

"So we're talking about The Hulk?" Sam interrupted and Natasha sent him a glare before turning to Steve.

"Let me call him," she asked quietly.

"Fine," Steve sighed heavily. "You'll have to be as quick as possible."

"Of course, Cap." When Steve pulled over, Natasha was out of the car before he fully braked.

Her heart pounded as she dialed the pay phone. It rang twice before a familiar voice answered.

"This is new. You know the sun is up, right?" Bruce teased. His voice eased the tightness in her chest.

"Bruce, I don't have time to talk. SHIELD isn't safe. You've heard about Fury's death by now. Hydra is running SHIELD and is responsible for it. I need you to leave the base and go stay somewhere with Tony. Anywhere that isn't owned by SHIELD. Please, Bruce," she pleaded.

"Woah, hold up, Natasha, what's going on? Are you okay?" The concern in his voice made her feel so guilty for scaring him like this.

"I'm fine, but nothing else is. Please, for the love of God, get yourself to Tony's and stay safe. Just lie low. I—"

"Natasha," Steve shouted from the window, "hurry up!"

"I don't have any time to explain, alright? Just go!"

"Alright, I'll go. Please be safe."

"I'll try." Taking a deep breath, she added: "I miss you."

"I miss you, too," he replied softly, but she could hear him moving around in the background. Hopefully he was preparing to leave.

With that, Natasha hung up and jumped back into the car, avoiding the curious stares of the other two.

* * *

 **A/N: I know it's still day light, but I couldn't not write this. Even in TWS, when they find out Bruce Banner is a threat, Natasha seems frozen for a moment. Sorry it was so short! Thanks for reading!**


	13. Back Home

**A/N: I hope this makes up for the shortness of the last chapter!**

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Natasha felt a very heavy weight be lifted from her chest when Fury had given her the orders to move back to base. After everything that had happened, the public was not happy with her. When they had taken down Hydra, they had released all of the records to the public. The entire world knew who she was, what she had done, and had begun to target her. She was aware that in a year she would be able to go back to doing more. For right now, she had no complaints.

It was barely midnight when Natasha came into base with all her belongings. She would have to leave again in a few days for a trial, but for now, she was home. Steve was now living part-time at the base and wouldn't be bringing stuff back for a while.

When Natasha sat the last box in her room, she heard a light knock on the door frame behind her. She turned to see Bruce Banner standing there, two mugs of steaming tea in hand, and a warm smile on his face.

"Hey stranger, glad to see you alive," he greeted her and she felt tears sting her eyes.

"Hey there," she returned the greeting and dusted off her hands on her jeans. She walked over to him and he set both mugs on the top of her dresser. They hugged each other tightly, her face buried in his shoulder. It wasn't strange that he smelled nice; it was relieving now.

"You had me so worried," he murmured, resting his cheek against her hair.

"I didn't mean to scare you, but I had to get you some where safe," she whispered. Her grip on him tightened.

"I would've been fine. They can't kill me."

"That doesn't matter. They could've tried to hurt you and I just…I couldn't stand the thought…" Her eyes still stung and she sniffed once. Bruce pulled back and held her at arm's length.

"You have so much to explain," he informed her with a warm smile.

"Good thing the night is still young," she smiled back. Natasha took her mug of tea and kicked off her shoes. She sat on her bed and Bruce did the same. They both sipped on their tea for a moment before diving into the struggle the past week had been.

"What happened exactly, Natasha?" Bruce asked, eyes filled with curiosity and concern.

"It's really complicated and a lot of it is still confidential, but to summarize, we found out SHIELD was being run by Hydra. Fury was almost killed by them, but escaped and went into hiding," Natasha continued, explaining everything that had happened that she could tell him. Most was going to be public knowledge.

"When we confronted a man working for Hydra, he listed some threats and you were one. Bruce, I was so worried. I know they couldn't kill you, but I couldn't reason with the fear." She closed her eyes. "I've been so afraid," she whispered. A warm hand patted her knee.

"I'm fine, Natasha. Thank you for worrying about me, though. It meant a lot that you called." She opened her eyes to see him warm smile and she had a weird feeling in her chest.

"It means a lot that you answered," she replied softly and smiled back at him. "You went to Tony's right?"

"Yes, I did. He was glad to have the company even though he was just as confused and concerned as I was. You and Steve are part of our team. All we saw was explosions on the news. If you hadn't called, we would've been even more lost."

"I'm sorry, Bruce…"

"Don't be. I'm just so happy you're alright." Natasha sipped her tea, slightly hiding her pink cheeks behind the mug. "So, how long will you be here?"

"For now, indefinitely. I know he'll have me back out on the field, but I won't be in the public's eye for a year, probably. I have to head out in a few days for a trial."

"A trial?" he questioned. "Why are you going to court?"

"It isn't court…exactly. The government wants to hear what I have to say and is considering punishment because I leaked all of SHIELD's information."

"Do you know what they'll do?" he asked nervously.

"They won't do anything, don't worry. They need me on their side. I'm too valuable of an asset." Natasha smirked, but her eyes were a bit sad. The government needed her that badly. How could she ever leave her job? "That brings me to something I wanted to discuss with you."

"What is it?" he asked. He looked her directly in the eyes, letting her know she had his full attention when she already had.

"I've known everything about you before I ever met you. I've seen all your records. No one ever sees mine, though. Except, now, everything I've done has been released to the internet. Every detail of my life, laid out for the world to see. It's only fair." Natasha paused to make sure he was keeping up and he nodded to show that. "That means you can look up anything you want about me. Bruce, I want you to know you have the right to look into my past. I won't be mad. You have the right to know who you're friends with."

"I do," he said simply. "I'm friends with you, Natasha Romanoff, a woman who can't sleep well often, loves black tea with a bit of honey, and cares deeply for her friends. I don't care what you've done."

Natasha couldn't help herself. A few tears broke loose. Bruce took her cup and set both of their on the nightstand. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. She leaned into his chest and soaked in his affection.

"I missed you," she whispered, wiping tears from her eyes. She closed them, breathing in the way he smelled. Natasha couldn't recall the last time she felt so comfortable.

"I missed you too. I'm glad you came back." His voice was filled with affection and her heart tightened. She was…nervous, but happy.

"I'm glad too," she said softly before sitting up. She handed them both back their teas and they quietly drank them together. They finished their teas and, eventually, Bruce stood.

"I should let you unpack and sleep," he offered softly and Natasha nodded. Sleep was ready for her and, tonight, she knew she would sleep fine. She climbed off the bed and walked him to the door. He stopped just outside it and turned to face her. "Welcome home, Natasha."

"Thank you, Bruce," she said softly. A wave of confidence washed over her and she went with it. Leaning forward, she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. She pulled away slowly and caught Bruce's dazed look.

"You're welcome," he murmured. Natasha chuckled softly and watched him head down to his room. She closed her door and leaned against it. It was good to be back.

* * *

 **A/N: And here we go, the start of the actual romance and not just the building up to it. There will be lots of two steps forward, one step back sort of progress, but it's better than nothing. Hope you enjoyed it! Please review!**


	14. I'm Dangerous

**A/N: Oops**

* * *

Being back was nice. Fury sent Natasha on missions occasionally, but she was still laying low. She couldn't deny the fact that she was enjoying being less busy than before. In D.C., she had enjoyed having so much to do, but she had also been avoiding the fact that she now felt very attached to a certain doctor.

Bruce was out of the lab a lot more, which was nice since Steve was there less. Tony was gone more and Sam was around occasionally. She liked seeing them, but what really made her day was when Bruce would randomly leave the lab and join them. If they were all eating together, he would sit down and stay for at least ten minutes, sometimes the entire meal. It was nice to see him being more involved, but it was even better to be near him.

Natasha had to admit that Bruce was becoming more important to her and she wasn't sure how to deal with that. Some nights, she would lay in bed thinking about it. Some nights, it kept her up. Tonight was one of those nights.

With a heavy sigh, Natasha climbed out of bed. She knew sleep wasn't coming anytime soon. She grabbed her robe and loosely tied it on. It was fall yet again so she wouldn't have to be too concerned about the cold.

She rode the elevator down to the ground floor. D.C. had been pretty, but nothing could ever compare to these nights. The cool air was fresh and the grass was slightly damp. She made her way over to their bench and sat down.

Natasha didn't get to drink her tea for long. Not five minutes after she sat down, the loud sound of glass shattering interrupted the night time silence. Simultaneously, she stood to face the sound and drew the small gun she kept in her front robe pocket. She didn't know what to expect, but it wasn't anything she wanted to see. The glass wall of the living room was shattered up above and The Hulk came crossing down to their grassy lawn.

As quickly as she had drawn it, Natasha slid the gun back into her pocket. It would be of no use in this situation. She knew what she had to do, but she felt fear.

The Hulk slammed his fists on the ground and made his way to the first tree he could reach. He ripped it right out of the ground, letting out a loud, echoing roar before pulling it apart. His roar shook the ground slightly. A part of the tree landed with a thud just a few feet from Natasha and she took a deep breath. Like the time he Hulked out in the SHIELD ship, his presence shook her to the core.

Natasha's heart was racing about as fast as Bruce's must've been before he changed. Slowly, she made her way toward him. She looked up at the broken window to see Tony, Steve, and Sam standing on the ledge. Steve looked directly at her for a sign and she shook her head. They couldn't interfere. It would be too intimidating for the Other Guy.

"Hey, big guy," she called out, still several yards from the Hulk, but closer than most people would go.

Hulk turned to look at her and let out a loud growl, but didn't charge her. Natasha's heart stopped when he stared directly at her. "I'm no threat," she said loud enough for him to hear, but in a calmer tone. She held her hands up slowly, showing she wasn't a threat. Another growl ripped through him and he slammed his fists against the ground. It shook violently and Natasha had to crouch to keep her balance. With another deep breath, she stepped forward again. "Don't be like that; you know I would never hurt you." Her voice was still loud enough for him to hear, but not the people up above. It was the truth and she didn't want to displace that to everyone.

His nostrils flared, but he hunched over, body language similar to how he addressed them during their battle in New York. The Hulk was aware enough to understand that Natasha wasn't a threat. She knew that and mustered up all her courage,

Slowly, Natasha held her hand out to him. She held eye contact with him, refusing to back down. "Come here," she called softly and took a few careful steps toward him. The Hulk backed up a few steps, but stopped. He allowed her to continue moving towards him, but it was obvious he was wary of her. She kept her arm extended out. When she was closer, she stopped and waited for him to meet her. For one second, the world seemed to go silent as if everyone was collectively holding their breath.

Then, the Hulk reached out to her. His heavy hand landed on her upward palm. Natasha's hand sank under the weight, but adjusted to hold it up. The Hulk's hand made hers look so small, a dramatic version of how small Bruce's hands always made hers look.

She carefully placed her other hand on top of his. Gently, she stroked his skin, never breaking eye contact. "Hello," she murmured, trying to collect herself. She wasn't sure if her heart had beaten for the past several seconds. He grunted in response, air rushing out his nostrils quick enough to move her hair. She smiled up at him and made sure her hands weren't shaking.

"The sun's getting awful low," she told him in an even, soothing voice. This was it, the real test. It wasn't something new for the Hulk to trust a person, but if he calmed down because of her, they'd be breaking new ground.

The Hulk looked her directly in the eyes and stood still for a moment before letting out a pained roar and pulling away. Natasha used all of her control to not jump and fall back. He stumbled backward and hit the floor. He continued to call out as he writhed in pain on the ground. Slowly, his growls become more and more human. Natasha held her ground, she wasn't ready to show her pain or worry in front of everyone that was watching. She might've if it was just Steve, but not everyone.

The man lying on the ground in front of her was back to normal. He was shaking and coughing, trying to push himself into a sitting position. Natasha knelt down before him and gave him a soft smile. She moved her gun from her pocket to her back waistband before removing her robe and wrapping it around his shoulders. His shirt had been destroyed back in the tower somewhere. He hugged his shoulders and held onto the robe. Bruce was always shaken and weak after turning back.

"Hey there," she said softly. He avoided her eyes. "C'mon, Bruce, look at me." She waited until he did. "Everything is alright now. Do you want to talk about what happened?"

"Not here," he murmured and glanced up at the destroyed windows. Standing above them were their team members, unable to move. She doubted any of them were even breathing.

"Don't worry about them. Do you want to go inside?" she asked softly. He shook his head. He didn't want to see the damage he had done.

"Alright," she stood and held her hand out to him. Gingerly, he took it and let her help him up. She turned to the base. "Everything's alright," she called to them. "We'll be back later." With that, she walked with Bruce to the track so they were on a different side of the building. She didn't realize she was still holding his hand for the first few minutes; it felt natural.

"You don't have to do this," he murmured, eyes on the ground as they walked. Every once and a while, his body would shudder.

"I want to help you, Bruce. I care about you," she spoke softly. "I don't feel obligated to." She sat down in the grass, where they had been the night he found her running laps. Over a year had gone by since their first night time chat; she would've never imagined they ended up making a routine of it. "Now, can you tell me what happened, please?"

"I had a nightmare," he murmured, sitting down next to her. He had her robe wrapped tightly around him and his hand holding onto hers. He watched her thumb absentmindedly rub the back of his hand. "I woke up from it and began to panic. I couldn't breathe. My heart was racing and I started to run out of the room. I made it to the living room before I dropped and Hulked out."

"I'm so sorry, Bruce." She kept her voice low and soothing. "I'm glad the lullaby worked. It's a good sign, right?"

"That's never happened before," he murmured and looked directly into her eyes. "It was stupid to get that close to me." His voice gained more strength and Natasha was taken back.

"It would be stupid for me not to. It worked! Now we know for when this happens again." She wouldn't deny it would. "Isn't it good to know? Do you see how helpful this will be? You don't have to be as afraid of hurting people, not if I can help you gain control!"

"You shouldn't have to put your life at risk for me!" he shouted suddenly before biting his lip. He tugged his hand away from her and covered his face with it. She gave him a few moments to even his breathing. "This is all so dangerous, Natasha. We can't keep doing this."

"Doing what? Why can't we be friends?" She felt her heart sink. She liked being around him…

"This!" he waved his free hand at her while removing the other from his face. "These night time talks! You can't be holding my hand and kissing my cheek! It can't work like this, I can't do this!"

"What do you mean? You're my friend!" Her eyes began to sting.

"Friends don't hold hands and kiss, Natasha, and you know that! I'm too dangerous to be getting involved in something like this!" His hands were shaking visibly and it pained her. He pushed himself to his feet. "This isn't okay."

"Wait!" she shouted as he turned to leave. She quickly got to her feet and grabbed the back of her robe. "What the hell, Bruce? Why can't we behave like this! Who says we can't?"

"I do!" he shouted and shrugged her off. "I care about you, Natasha, I do, but it's too dangerous. I can't keep getting closer to you. I was stupid to think this could ever be okay."

"Why can't it be? It's all been going fine!" Her heart was racing and it was hard to breathe.

"Natasha!" he snapped and spun around. "I care about you and, last time I cared for a person, it went all wrong. I can't do this again. I'm sorry." With that, he turned around and headed back to the base.

Natasha knew it was pointless to follow him back to the base. He wasn't stable enough yet to continue this conversation without Hulking out. Even if they could discuss it, she didn't know if she wanted to yet. He…cared about her? She knew he was referring to Betty as the last time, but she was baffled he would compare her to Betty. They were just friends, right?

She laid on her back and stared up at the sky trying to figure out why her heart started racing quicker when she thought about how he felt.

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 **A/N: For anyone who is confused on why Natasha has developed a lot faster than Bruce, I think she is capable of her development I've written. She has incredible control of her emotions and, I believe, that if she wanted to make friends and gain trust, she could obviously do it. She wouldn't begin to freak out until her emotions lose control. Sorry I set up the cute shit last time and did this lol**

 **Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	15. I Choose Danger

**A/N: This was the first chapter I had trouble writing. I got home from college and writers block just hit me hard. Thankfully, I got this out and then my flow came back. Hope you enjoy it! I couldn't wait long after I posted that last chapter. I'm too excited about these next parts**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel or Avengers**

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Natasha was called in to Fury's temporary office the next day. When he mentioned having Bruce join the team on the field regularly, she told him he wasn't ready for that. She ignored Fury's skeptical looks and insisted she was correct about the issue. Regardless of what happened, Natasha was going to make sure Fury gave Bruce his space. He wasn't a weapon; he was a person. Bruce was not ready to do any fighting and she wasn't going to allow him to be put under more stress.

Since their fight, Bruce had been avoiding her. He wasn't at meals or seen at their bench. She got so desperate she went and asked Tony if Bruce was alright. Natasha wasn't able to forget the look of pity Tony gave her before returning down to the labs, to Bruce.

Everyone avoided bringing it up when they were all together. If Bruce was mentioned, everyone got quiet for a painful moment before a brave soul brought up something else. When she was found alone with only one other team member, they would ask her about that night. Sometimes, she brushed it off. Sometimes, she told them to ask him. Never did she tell them the truth.

Natasha was so confused about everything that sleep was basically impossible in the weeks that followed the incident. The nightmares had become less frequent because she was so busy thinking and worrying. She knew Bruce liked her; she understood that. It had been shocking to realize it was to that degree, but she was able to think through and come to terms with that. It was her own feelings that were keeping her up all night.

She knew Bruce was important to her. She had chosen for that to happen. What she hadn't asked for was the dull ache in her chest when she saw his back leaving a room right as she entered. She hadn't asked to stay up all night thinking about him and the fact that he was just a few doors down, not sleeping as well. Natasha Romanoff had always been in complete control of her emotions and the fact that she didn't choose to care this much about this man was keeping her up all night. She hadn't chosen this.

The fact was she couldn't handle it any longer. It had been well over a month since their argument. Fall had ended and here she was, still missing the doctor worse than she had when she was gone. She had to put an end to this. There was no battle plan in mind when she knocked on his bedroom door. Her goal was closure, but she had no idea what that would look like.

It took almost two minutes for Bruce to answer his door. She could hear him standing behind the door the whole time, trying to make up his mind. Finally, he opened the door and looked her in the eyes. His face wasn't as warm as it usually was, but neither was hers. Her emotional shield was back up.

"Can I come in?" she asked with her voice even and much emptier than it ever was when she addressed him. She saw the hurt flicker across his face. Natasha had control down to an art while Bruce was always struggling to keep it.

"That might not be a good idea," he murmured.

"So you want to talk in the hall where everyone can hear us?" she asked with a bit more persuasion in her voice. He let out a defeated sigh and stepped back. Bruce gestured for her to come in and she did. She sat on the edge of his bed and he sat as far away from her as he could while sitting on it as well.

"What is it you want to talk about?" he asked quietly.

Natasha didn't respond right away. She tried for several moments to find the right words, but none of them were ever going to explain how frustrated she was. Her best attempt was what she finally said: "why would you tell me you care about me just to ignore me?"

"It was to tell you we aren't friends," he told her. He kept his eyes down on his sheets.

"We can be friends and still care about one another." She shook her head when he opened his mouth to argue. "No, I know this is more than friendship, but that doesn't eliminate it, does it? We are still friends even if…even if we care about each other." Her words made him look up at her. She held his gaze, still in control of her emotions.

"I'm dangerous as it is, but it's pushing the limits to want to be as close as we are. This can't keep progressing." Bruce's eyes had a hint of desperation in them as he tried to get her to understand.

"No, it isn't like that. Bruce, you deserve to have someone care for you and, out of everyone in the world, I think I am the most capable of dealing with the danger you bring with you. That night proved that and you know it." She felt her mask slipping. Her voice swelled with emotion and her heart ached.

"I don't want to put you in danger," he whispered.

"I'm always being put into danger. The only difference between that and this is that I have a choice. I have a choice and I'm choosing danger, Bruce. I have that right to choose." She hadn't realized that was what she wanted until the words left her mouth. It was the truth.

"Natasha," Bruce murmured. He was shaking his head, but a small smile was making its way onto his lips. It was going to be different with Natasha; she didn't have the possibility of a cozy life like Betty had. "This isn't going to be simple."

"Nothing in our lives is. You turn into a giant green person and I'm a trained assassin. Simple was never in the books for us." She smiled back and crawled across the bed to him. Sitting directly in front of him, she let out a sigh of relief. "I hated not being able to talk to you."

"So did I," he replied. All the tension in his body seemed to disappear. His shoulders slouched and his face was welcoming.

"Then you should've stopped being an ass," Natasha teased.

"I don't want you to be in danger because of me," he told her yet again. "I still don't think this is a good idea."

"It'll be fine, Bruce. If anything, it's safer now, right? I can help you calm down; the Other Guy likes me." It made a bit more sense now. When they were both calm and looked at the logistics of it, their situation made sense.

"I wish things weren't like this," he murmured. Natasha took his hand in hers. They both watched her fingers run over his hand, tracing the lines and veins.

"This isn't the ideal situation, but now isn't the time for imagining. We have to face what we've been given and make a choice. I'm choosing to stick with you, Bruce." She smiled to herself as she felt his hand. His skin had callouses at different spots than hers and had seen more light.

"I guess I'll have to let you do that." Natasha looked up and they made eye contact. A gigantic weight was lifted off of her chest and her heart swelled.

"I'm so glad," she replied. She leaned forward and hugged him like they had when she had gotten home. He hesitated, but wrapped his arms around her regardless. Resting his check on the side of her head, Bruce let out a sigh.

"Thank you, Natasha," Bruce whispered.

"You're welcome," she murmured.

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 **A/N: Look, I fixed things! I hope you enjoy this chapter and where the story is going. I'm hoping to have more progression than not. Thank you very much to all of you that review regularly. It really means a lot to me. You guys make my day!**

 **Thanks for reading and please review! :D**


	16. The Monster in My Nightmares

**A/N: First, I want to take a moment to thank everyone that reviews, especially the handful of you that review after each chapter. You guys make my day usually. Second, this chaptr was fun and I hope you enjoy it.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Avengers**

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Natasha's eyes flashed open and she desperately grasped at the sheets. Her eyes couldn't focus on anything, but they were darting all over the room looking for the threat. The sound of her heavy breathing filled the room. All she could feel was the hard pounding of her heart and the cold sweat that covered her whole body. She tried to get a grip on herself, closing her eyes and taking shaky, deep breaths.

There was a hesitant knock on the door followed by a quiet, "Natasha?" coming from the over side. That was it; the knocking had ripped her from her nightmare.

"One second," she croaked. Letting out a deep breath, she shakily sat up. She felt gross and weak, but slowly she made her way to the door. She cracked it open and peeked out to find Bruce standing there in his flannel pajama pants and bed head.

"You look so pale," he murmured and took a step toward the door. "Is everything alright? May I come in?" Not having her wits collected enough to come up with an excuse, she nodded and stepped back. He pushed the door open.

"Everything is fine," she said. Her voice betrayed her and came out weak instead of even. He was obviously very concerned, but she wasn't use to this type of support. This was more than meeting up at night; this was him showing up at her room right after a nightmare. She didn't have time to reconstruct her mask. She was so raw and vulnerable. It made her shake more.

"Don't lie to me, Nat. I can see you aren't okay," he said softly. He entered the room and closed the door behind him. "Come on, sit back down. You look ready to faint." Bruce walked with her toward the bed and sat down first followed by Natasha, who basically collapsed onto it. She sat up right and hugged her knees to her chest.

"Why are you here?" she asked quietly.

"I was getting up for a glass of water and heard some noise coming from down the hall. As I got closer, I could hear you muttering through the door. I knocked and heard you freak out. I couldn't leave you like that." He reached out and took a strand of her hair between two fingers. He spun it around them before tucking it behind her ear. "Everything is alright now. You're awake."

"I know. It was just a dream." Natasha looked down at the sheets. She was filled with shame.

"Was this one worse than usual?" he asked, voice filled with genuine curiosity. She nodded, but didn't look up. Bruce's arms wrapped around her shoulders and pulled her clumsily against him. Her eyes widened and her heart sped up for a moment. She was so exposed and now this man was hugging her. This man with no shirt on was hugging her and trying to comfort her.

Bruce held a very stiff Natasha to his chest in an awkward position and ran his hand over her hair soothingly. "I'm sorry your nightmare was so bad. If you want to talk about it, I'll listen," he reassured her. After a few moments, Natasha relaxed and leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his chest. Slowly, he laid back on the bed and kept her in his arms. They laid together holding each other, Natasha's cheek resting on his chest. His chest hair tickled her cheek and she couldn't help but smile weakly.

"I'm the monsters in my own nightmares," she whispered after her heart calmed and her body stopped shaking. "I kill everyone I love, Bruce. Each nightmare is me just killing someone else, ruining something else, lying to someone else. Bruce, I don't know how to trust myself." Her voice cracked and she stopped talking. Her eyes stung and she closed them tightly. Bruce kept stroking her hair and held her tighter.

"They trained me to know how to control my emotions to the point that I only feel what I think I should. Recently, I've been feeling things more naturally, but somethings I just don't know how to react to. There are times where I can't tell if I feel things because I know I should or because I do. I can't trust what I feel! It's all just a guessing game now." She was so frustrated with herself. All she wanted was to be her own person, but she was constructed in the Red Room. She wasn't who Natasha Romanoff was supposed to be. Now she was left to try and find some sort of balance of the two.

"Feelings are natural," Bruce murmured. "Stick with your instinct. When something happens, trust the gut feeling you have. Sometimes what you've been taught and feel will overlap."

"I hate living my life like this," she whispered, "but I can't imagine living it any other way. I can't, Bruce. This is what I've got…"

"Natasha, we both have shit luck in this world, but don't hate it. We…We're going to make the most of what we've been given. We've got some good friends and…we have each other. That's a lot more than we've had before." His words warmed her and she smiled against his chest again.

"That is a lot more than we've had," she murmured and pulled herself closer to his side. "I'm glad I have you in my life, Bruce."

"I'm glad we got to meet as well." They laid there together for several moments, just holding each other. Eventually, Natasha got brave and asked a question that had been on her mind for two months.

"Bruce, what did you dream about the night you Hulked out?" Natasha asked quietly. She looked up at him, turning so she could rest her chin on his chest and meet his eyes. He grimaced at the memory, but held her gaze.

"I'm the monster in my nightmares as well," he said quietly. She nodded and let her expression soften as comfort to him. "I hurt those who I care about."

"What made that night particularly bad?" she asked. She unwrapped one arm from around him and reached up to his face. Her hand gently rested on the side of his face and her thumb stroked his cheek. He leaned into her hand and a small smile broke out onto her face.

"I dreamt that I hurt you, Natasha." His voice was barely audible and filled with guilt. "The Other Guy had thrown you around and you were so broken." His voice cracked, making her chest ached.

"I'm fine, Bruce," she reassured him. "You won't hurt me like that. I could see it in his eyes; he doesn't want to hurt me."

"It still scared me so much," he whispered. "I had realized how much I cared about you and the idea of him hurting you pushed me over the edge."

"It won't happen," she promised quietly. Natasha propped herself up on one elbow so she could look into his eyes better. "We make a great team. We won't hurt each other."

"You can't be so sure he won't hurt you."

"I can," she replied. "He has the same look in his eyes when he sees me that you do." She leaned forward a little without intending to. Their faces were so close and Natasha couldn't breathe.

"Trusting in something like that can be foolish," he warned her, just as out of breath as she was.

"Do you trust me?" she whispered.

"Yes." He didn't hesitate.

"I trust you and him." With that, Natasha leaned in and closed her eyes. Her lips pressed against his tentatively. To her surprise, he returned the kiss softly, but eagerly.

Natasha leaned into Bruce, lips moving against his with more determination. He propped himself up on one elbow to get closer to her and the other hand twisted into her hair. She let out a soft gasp and let her tongue brush his bottom lip. Her hand was still on the side of his face, now holding him in place. The kiss was slow as they both soaked in the feeling. Both of them never wanted it to end.

It only lasted a short moment, but it filled Natasha with such a genuine warmth that she could swear her skin was buzzing. Slowly, they both leaned back a little and rested their foreheads against one another, their hot breath leaving their mouths in pants. They both tried to catch their breath and they smiled at each other.

"Wow," Bruce murmured as a light blush covered his cheeks to mimic hers. She let her hand slid from the side of his face and onto his chest. He laid back down and she returned to her original position, her cheek on his chest and her arm wrapped around his waist. His hand released her hair and lazily stroked her chest.

"I do trust you," she told him softly. "Both you and him, Bruce." She listened to his heart beat, just a bit faster than a normal heart rate. They had to be careful.

"I really do trust you, too, Natasha," he replied.

"I know you do. Thank you for that, Bruce." She intended her words to be about his trust, but the kiss was included in the statement.

"You're welcome, Natasha."

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 **A/N: Well, yeah, wow. I really enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope y'all enjoyed it as well. Please review!**


	17. We Are Weapons But At Least I Have You

**A/N: I've just started watching Agents of SHIELD and oh man am I addicted.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel**

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The mood of the base had changed back to what it was before the incident. The atmosphere didn't feel tense anymore. Bruce was around more than even now, always near Natasha. They would hover around each other. During meals, they sat next to each other. If they were in the same room, they would share casual brushes of hands or arms. Natasha was found smiling more than ever and it was common for Bruce's deep laughter to be present in their conversations. Their mood affected everyone; the team seemed much more relaxed and comfortable. The happiness they felt was contagious.

At the same time, it was obvious the two had had something else happened, just positive instead of negative. Steve would send Natasha puzzled looks she would brush off and Tony was watching Bruce closely. Their change in behavior was so strange that both Tony and Steve were spending more time at the base. Even Clint was around more. No one brought it up for fear of ruining it, but it was clear it was on everyone's minds.

The worst part of it was that Fury had noticed the shift in mood. Natasha was pulled in for another meeting about adding Bruce to the team. This time, he didn't ask for her opinion on the matter. She was ordered to discuss the situation with Dr. Banner and to convince him to work with them on the field. It left Natasha feeling nauseous. It was a reminder that SHIELD would always have to come first.

She saved the talk for nighttime, when it would be just them. She waited until Bruce went to his room for the night, just after midnight. Natasha stood outside his door for a long moment, hands clenched in fists. With a deep breath, she shook out the tension from her body and knocked.

Within moments, the door opened and there stood a smiling Bruce Banner. Tonight, he was in his flannel pajama bottoms and a long sleeve shirt. He automatically stepped back and let Natasha in.

"Hello," he said softly.

"Hey," she replied and sat on the edge of the bed. "I need to talk to you."

Bruce's brow pulled together and he closed the door. "Alright," he said and sat next to her on the bed. "What's up?"

"We both agree that the lullaby works well, right?" was how she chose to start the conversation. This was why the Red Room had trained her not to get involved with anyone; it made everything complicated. She should be able to persuade him with no difficulty. Now, she felt like she was lying to him.

"Yeah," Bruce nodded with confusion still in his eyes.

"Well, how would you feel about using it to help people?" she asked with her voice even and smooth. Natasha felt sick speaking to him like this.

"What do you mean?"

"You could work with us, you know, when we go out on missions and when we were done, I could calm you—"

"What the hell, Natasha?" Bruce asked, leaning back slightly. "Is that why you wanted to try the lullaby? To use me as a weapon?" His voice was harsh and he stood up abruptly.

"No, Bruce, wait," she said desperately, eyes wide. Screw Fury, she couldn't lie to him about this. She stood as well and took his hand. "I…Can you sit down for a moment and let me explain. Please?"

Bruce looked doubtful, but he sat down. Natasha took a deep breath and sat next to him. She never let go of his hand. "Fury called me in today," she said quietly. "He noticed how different everything has been. I was given an order to talk to you about this. I've put it off too long."

"'Put it off'?" he asked.

"The night I used the lullaby, he realized how useful you could be now. He asked for my opinion and I told him you were too unstable to do it yet. Well, he waited and now it's an order. I'm supposed to persuade you to agree." Her voice was weak and she looked down at the sheets.

"I don't want to be a weapon," he told her, voice firm.

"Bruce, you can't really say 'no'," she informed him and looked up into his eyes. "What do you think they'll do? Do you think Fury will just nod and understand? Do you think he'll just apologize and move on? It doesn't work like that here. If you say no, then you'll end up on the run or miserable. Do you really want that? At least, you'll be a weapon for good."

"What type of life is that?" he demanded. "Living just to be a tool of SHIELD?"

"It could be a lot worse," Natasha replied quietly, but her words were heavy. Bruce got quiet and she met his eyes. He realized what he said and it showed in his eyes. "Bruce, I've got to do my job. This is what I'm meant to do. I'm just glad I'm on the good side now. Things really could be a lot worse."

"I didn't mean what I said," he murmured and Natasha shook her head.

"No, you did and that's alright. You've got to realize that, at this point in my life, I work for SHIELD and I have to do as I'm told. There is no other position for me to work. If I leave SHIELD, I have to start my life over because no one else is going to want me to work for them now. My cover in blown, I'm a well-known face. This is my life, Bruce. I've accepted that. Are you going to accept the options you have?" She was the most serious she had been since they had started their night time conversations.

"I'll help out," he whispered after a long moment. "Tell Fury I'll do it."

"Are you sure?"

"I have no others choice besides running and, honestly, I don't want to run anymore." His words were true and Natasha nodded.

She stood and took a step toward the door. "I'll tell him in the morning."

"Where are you going?" he asked softly.

"To bed," she replied simply. His hand took ahold of hers and tugged gently. She followed his pull and soon, they were lying on his bed together. Bruce laid on his back and Natasha was on her side, her cheek on his chest. She absentmindedly traced shapes onto his shirt and let out a deep breath.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered eventually.

"Why?" Bruce asked softly. He had one hand stroking her hair.

"For coming in here for work. I've felt sick all day…"

"It's your job, Natasha. It's fine." His voice was reassuring and she felt herself smile for a second.

"My job is sickening," she whispered. "The government had every reason to punish me, but they didn't, Bruce. You know why? Because that's how badly I'm needed. My skillset is so coveted that they won't touch me. I may be ruined goods to other agencies, but here, I'm the best you can get besides Fury himself. They need me so much I won't even get charged for all the horrible things I've done." Instead of drawing shapes, her fingers now wrapped around a fistful of his shirt. She closed her eyes tightly and took in a deep breath. "It's such bullshit."

"They won't touch any of us, Natasha. We are all above the law. It's wrong, but it's true. That's why we both get to lay here, in a warm bed together. The world is a fucked up place, but at least we're on the right team." He kissed the top of her head and a smile found its way onto her lips again.

"I wish we had a simpler life," she murmured. She let her eyes close gently this time and sighed comfortably. She was beginning to feel tired.

"So do I, but this could be a lot worse," he said softly.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I could still be not talking to you and be alone in my bed. Instead, I have you." His voice was so kind that she barely believed she was awake.

"I'd be so pissed if you still weren't talking to me," she muttered under her breath teasingly.

"Well, the good news is I am," he laughed. Natasha laughed along, but mostly because his laugh felt weird. It shook his chest which she was laying on, thus shaking her.

"The whole team is curious about us, you know."

"Of course they are." His laughter continued.

"I've got a great idea."

"And what is it?"

"When they ask, just look really confused and ask what they mean. Let's make them think they're crazy." She sounded more excited than she should.

"Oh God, Tony is going to get so annoyed," he chuckled.

"That's exactly the goal." Natasha yawned quietly.

"Here, hold on," Bruce murmured and moved around a bit. A moment later, a blanket was draped over the both of them. "You need to get some sleep if you're tired."

"I guess," she murmured, but yawned again. Bruce kissed the top of her head again.

"Goodnight, Natasha."

"Goodnight, Bruce."

They both fell asleep smiling for the first time in a long while.

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 **A/N: To be clear, I know it was totally weird for Natasha to not be able to get her shit together and persuade Bruce. I fully believe the Red Room never trained her to deal with maintaining this level of closeness with a person. They were too against it. She just can't cope, not yet.**

 **Btw I decided to post the story as well on AO3 since I've been meaning to start using it. My username on there is midnight5776 )and my tumblr is icyvalentine in case any of you wanna talk).**

 **I hope you enjoy the update and please review! All your reviews mean a lot to me and keep me going!**


	18. Warlords and Pack Mules

**Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel**

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Within a few days, Fury requested to see Natasha again. She went, of course, and told him what he wanted to hear. When Natasha came back, she had a mission to leave for that evening. As soon as her bag was packed, she found Bruce. She told him as much as she could—just that she had to go on a mission for a few weeks—and kissed his cheek before she left.

It wasn't out of the ordinary for her to leave like this, it was her job, but it felt different this time. She usually missed Bruce, but never to this extent. Natasha found herself thinking about him whenever she could afford to, almost too much. She had been trained to not get attached like this to avoid the risk it held. As much as she hated the Red Room, her training had been effective. This relationship changed everything; she would have to train her mind how to work with it and not put her in danger.

Natasha returned back to the base one night a few weeks later. Unlike usual, she stopped at the labs first. It was before midnight and it was safe to assume Bruce might still be in the lab. She headed straight to his usual one and quietly opened the door to find him sitting at a desk, back to her, writing something. Lightly, she knocked on the door frame and he spun his chair around. The smile that spread on his face at the sight of her warmed her whole entire body.

Bruce got up and made his way over to her. She dropped her bags and allowed herself to be enveloped in a hug. Normally, Natasha would feel this sort of affection should only be behind their closed doors, but she had missed him more than she had planned. It was a terrifying realization, but she was going to work with it.

"Welcome back," he said and he pulled back. He held her at arm's length and made sure she was still in one piece. "Did it all go smoothly?"

"Yeah, not too bad. There was an incident with a warlord and a pack mule, but it could've been worse." She smiled and walked past the puzzled doctor. Pulling over a chair, she sat back his desk.

"So, wait, what about the—"

"Don't worry about it," she laughed as he sat back in his chair. "It's classified."

"I always forget you can't tell me anything you do when you aren't here," he murmured.

"There's even things here I can't tell you about," Natasha teased, "but that's the life I live, Bruce. Remember when I told you about the pirate ship and Steve?" He nodded. "Well, that's how it works for me usually. I get given different information than the rest of you. Fury is all about compartmentalization and I'm in a very different sector than you all. I just was assigned to work with the team." She shrugged, dismissing it. It was how life had always been with Natasha. She didn't question orders.

"They'll always be things you can't tell me." It was a statement, but more to himself. Bruce was trying to come to better terms with the fact. He had known it would be like that, but he never imagined he would be close enough to Natasha for that to bug him.

"Yes, there will. It's how my life works, Bruce. It'll lessen when you start joining the team more. Right now, you really are the most out of the loop. Well…besides Thor, but he's never here and rarely asks questions about such things." Natasha kept smiling, trying to keep the conversation light. It needed to be discussed, of course, but she wouldn't let it turn for the worse. Not when she had just gotten home.

"That might be the best part about agreeing to Fury's request," Bruce admitted. He smiled sheepishly. "I hate the idea of fighting, but I'm looking forward to being with everyone as a team. I might like it here, but I do feel slightly left out when everyone but me leaves."

Natasha reached out and took his hand in hers and gave it a squeeze. "Fury was pleased you accepted the offer so easily. We'll start your training soon. Tony will always be nearby with whatever model of the Hulk Buster you have ready and I'll be involved in all your training."

"What's the training going to entail exactly?" Surprisingly, he was very calm for discussing such a touchy subject. He had moved his chair closer so their knees were touching. The man had dark bags under his eyes, but so did most the team. Natasha was slightly worried his lack of sleep had worsened the past few weeks.

"It will mostly be you willingly transforming and testing what control is there. Oh, and the lullaby is going to be practiced. A lot." She took his other hand in hers and held them both tightly. "I will be honest, it's going to be exhausting, Bruce. I know how much of a toll transforming takes on you, but I'm going to try and help you as much as I can. Fury won't have you work on it without me there. I'll be with you every step of the way."

Natasha could see some concern in Bruce's eyes, but the man didn't let much of it show. "That means a lot, Natasha," he told her softly. They both knew she had to be there, but the important part was that she wanted to be.

"Well, I can't just let you go this alone," she said simply, dismissing it teasingly. "Now, what've you been working on tonight?" She glanced over at his notes spread on the desk. A blush spread across his cheeks and he pulled his hands away. The doctor started gathering his notes up in a stack, but he wasn't quicker than the spy sitting next to him. Natasha quickly grabbed one of the papers. There was a solid moment of silence before Natasha starting chuckling.

"Oh come on," Bruce muttered. His cheeks were turning pinker by the second.

"Is this supposed to be me?" she asked, holding up the piece of paper. The page was half filled with notes, but she was pointing to the margins. They were filled with doodles, all very poorly drawn. One was a spider on a web; another was what she assumed was her fighting some stick figure villain.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he mumbled and grabbed for the paper. She let him have it.

"You have to be one of the cutest dorks this world has ever seen." Her words made Bruce clumsier and the paper ended up on the floor.

"I couldn't focus so I started to doodle." He shrugged, but snuck a glance up at her. Uncharacteristically, Natasha's whole face was glowing with contentedness. She was just so pleased with the man sitting before her.

"You really are the cutest," she insisted with a laugh.

"My mind started wandering and I was wondering where in the world you were and what you could possibly be doing." Bruce glanced up again and, since her face was still lit, he continued. He was sharing any of his thoughts he could to keep her looking like that. "I couldn't get any work done. Most my nights have been like that since you've had to leave."

"I was in Libya." Her comment was so casual and downplayed that Bruce barely caught it. She stood, leading him along with her.

"What? Why—"

"Come on, you dork. I'm absolutely exhausted and jet lagged. Let's get some sleep." She rolled her eyes and grabbed her bag with her free hand on their way out the door.

"Alright," he said simply, slightly shocked, as they made their way upstairs. They didn't talk again until they were in the elevator.

"I really missed you," Natasha admitted once the doors had closed and they were going up.

"I missed you too, obviously." Bruce smiled and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. He leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on her temple.

"Thank you for understanding how different life is for me," she spoke quietly, looking up at him.

"You're welcome," he said softly.

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 **A/N: Not gonna lie, I had writers block again but here we go. My google history is pretty damn weird. The most recent was "what countries have warlords?"**

 **I hope y'all enjoyed this chapter. I've been desiring more cute, fluffy stuff recently. Don't worry, in a few chapters there will be some angst bwahaha. Thanks for reading! Your reviews give me life!**


	19. Cats, Dogs, and Personal Development

**A/N: I'm sorry I haven't posted lately and, honestly, it probably will slow down. I've gotten myself tied up in a lot of things. I have like one friend in town I see, I'm watching everything Marvel in order, running a Stars Without Number campaign, and have become obsessed with Minecraft. But, fear not, I shall post. Thank you for waiting patiently!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel**

As Natasha had said, Bruce started his training within the next few weeks. It meant they got to spend a lot more time together, but it also meant Bruce was always so tired. Changing into the Hulk was always tiring, but it was exhausting to do so often. He slept through more nights than usual. Some nights, he slept with Natasha. Tonight was one of those nights.

Natasha was sitting on her bed; book in hand, when someone knocked on her door. She knew who it was and didn't even bother to get up. She simply called out, "come in."

The door opened slowly and Bruce stepped in. His shoulders were slumped, his body language screamed of exhaustion. The man was already in pajamas and had the darkest bags she had ever seen on a person under his eyes. She set her book down on the nightstand and patted the pillow next to her.

"Come here," she said softly. He closed the door and made his way over to her. Bruce crawled right into bed and rested his head on her lap. Natasha let out a soft sigh and started running her fingers through his messy curls. His eyes automatically closed and his body relaxed all at once.

"You've been doing a really great job," Natasha murmured down to him. He looked so sweet and vulnerable like this.

"Thanks," he mumbled. "I need Fury to slow it down. I'm so tired…"

"I'll try and talk to him, but you know how all this works. Fury is trying to be as efficient as possible; he's going to keep dishing out as much as you can take, and a bit more." That's how all SHIELD training worked.

"My whole body aches so much." He closed his eyes tighter. "It hurts to move and nothing is numbing it."

"Take a really cold shower or bath," she told him softly. "It'll help your muscles, I promise. It's what I do after strenuous missions."

"I will after training tomorrow," he said with a heavy sigh. "This all may suck, but I'm glad they are letting me be more involved. I like knowing what everyone is doing and where you all are." He didn't get to know everything, of course, but there was some basic information the team shared.

"Just remember ignorance is bliss," she whispered and stared ahead at the wall. "You aren't going to like a lot of the information you hear." It was true. He wouldn't like knowing some of the places she would be sent and details of missions. He might not like the manner tasks are accomplished in or what SHIELD does afterwards. She was avoiding having the topic come up.

"I'd rather be aware than ignorant," he said simply. "That's how it's always been for me. I became a scientist because I wanted to uncover the unknown. I'll deal with what I find."

"Just remember, okay?" she asked. Natasha felt him nod against her lap and she let the topic end.

"You've never had any pets, have you?" Bruce asked after a comfortable silence. Surprised, Natasha looked down at him. He was now gazing up at her with a curious look.

"No, I haven't. It was never anything I was allowed to have and then, once I left the Red Room, it was never a realistic option."

"I wasn't allowed any either," Bruce said thoughtfully. He was staring up at the ceiling now, but not really looking at it. "My dad would've never allowed it. I grew up, moved out, and it never really crossed my mind again. A dog stayed with me for a while when I was on the run, but I had to leave it."

"I'm sorry," Natasha said, nodding her head. She was truly lost as to why he had brought it up.

"If you could have one, what type of pet would it be?" he asked. Natasha blinked for a moment, making sure she heard him right.

"Uhh…" She needed a moment to think. It was nothing she had ever considered. "Maybe a cat? I hear they are the easiest to take care of besides like…fish."

"What type of cat?" Bruce was smiling now. Reaching up, he took hold of a strand of her red hair and spun it around his finger.

"Maybe…one of those ones that are white with like orange and gray on it? I have no idea what they're called but I killed a man that had one once. I pet it for a moment before leaving." Her voice was so ordinary when she made the statement. This time, Bruce blinked for a moment, but didn't mention the dark statement she had made.

"Those are really gorgeous cats," he agreed and nodded.

"What about you, dork?" she asked warmly. Natasha smiled down at the doctor.

"I want a dog, honestly," he told her. "The one that stayed with me all those years ago was really sweet. They eat your scraps and keep the bed warm."

"Cats do that too, I think," Natasha added without actually knowledge of it.

"Dogs are bigger," Bruce stated.

"Only sometimes," Natasha said lightly. "Don't worry, we can get both if there is every a time for us to get pets." She wasn't intending to imply they would be together for a while, but neither of them mentioned it. This was their imagination game. Though it hadn't happened for a while, pretending was always a lovely escape.

"That'd be nice." He smiled softly and Natasha returned it.

"Pick up your head," she said lightly and he did. She climbed under the covers and laid down next to him.

"I really will ask Fury to take it easy on you," she promised him. She reached out and placed her hand gently on the side of his face. She let her eyes run over his facial features, lingering on the exhaustion in her eyes. "Please, get as much sleep as your body lets you. Have the nightmares been bad recently?"

"No, they've stayed away for the most part. I get them occasionally, but they don't happen like they used to."

"Your body is too tired for nightmares now. That should be more concerning, but I know, personally, I'd choose exhaustion over nightmares."

"So would I," Bruce admitted. "I forgot how lovely sleeping could be." He paused before looking at her curiously. "Have your nightmares been as bad?"

Natasha wanted to lie and tell him they were almost as gone as his. Her first instinct was to lie through it to keep him from worrying, but she stopped herself. She wanted to lie so badly that just his presence could scare away her darkest fears and that his affection solved everything. The most important choice for her to make was to tell the truth to him, not say what she thought he wanted to hear. "They haven't gotten much better," she said honestly. "But, the biggest difference is waking up from them. When you spend the night and I have a nightmare, it helps to wake up with you next to me. I calm down faster."

"I'm glad I can help in some way," he told her softly and her heart swelled. She was working her hardest to become a more honest person away from work. Some nights were harder than others, but she was strong. Natasha Romanoff knew how to become whatever anyone else wanted, but now she was learning to be what she wanted. It was one of the hardest tasks she had ever had.

"Thank you, Natasha, for everything," Bruce murmured as his eyelids fluttered shut. She was surprised he had stayed awake so long.

"You are always welcome, Bruce." She leaned forward and kissed his forehead before turning off the lamp. Then, she searched for sleep.

 **A/N: Well, here's some nice fluff for you all. I hope you enjoyed it! Lease review and thanks everyone that followed me on tumblr :D**


	20. Time To Take Your Own Advice

**A/N: I'm sorry for taking so long! I flew across the country and am now staying at my boyfriend's for awhile. I've been pretty busy, but things are settling down and I will try to write more sooner. If this stays slow all summer, I can guarantee it'll pick up once school starts. Please, bare with me. I really appreciate all of your comments and just, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. This chapter should make all you pretty pleased.**

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Recently, for the couple, nightmares had slowed a degree. Some nights, neither would be touched by them. Some nights, only one would have one, tossing and turning. Some nights, the other would wake to their partner mumbling in their sleep with a pained look on their face. And then, some nights, the other was jolted awake by violent thrashing on the other side of the bed. Tonight was one of those nights.

"Natasha," a gentle voice called to her and firm hands tried to shake her awake. "Natasha, wake up, please, you've got to wake up." The familiar voice was warm, but fear and worry was just under the surface. Her eyes snapped opened and she gasped for air.

"S-s-stop!" She desperately tried to pull out of his grasp. She kicked weakly and tried to get away. Everything looked fuzzy and was spinning in her dark room. She could her hear blood pounding in her ears and it over powered every other sound. The voice was speaking again, but she couldn't focus on it. Her eyes darted around the unstable room as she started breaking free of the grip on her.

Natasha gasped for air again, trying to fill her aching lungs. Why couldn't she breathe? She needed to breathe _now_. There was no way to get enough air in her lungs. Why was the room spinning? Why the _fuck_ was someone holding onto her shoulders? With a desperate cry, Natasha pushed one last time and fell right off the bed. She landed in a heap on the floor, but quickly pushed herself until her back was against the nearby wall, hugging her knees to her chest. Air, she needed air.

After what seemed like a life time, her lungs filled with what felt like the first real breath of oxygen in hours. Her eyes closed slowly as she took calmer, deeper breaths. Her fingers dug into her skin as she held on tightly to her shins, hugging them to herself still. The more deep breaths she took, the quieter the pounding in her ears got and the slower the painful beating of her heart got. Slowly, she opened her eyes and scanned the room. It was dark, but it wasn't spinning. Everything was a bit too sharp, her awareness back. The only thing out of place was the very shock and worried man sitting on her bed, frozen. Bruce was staring at her with wide eyes, one hand still outstretched. His curls were messy from sleeping, per usual.

"Natasha?" Bruce asked quietly, but softly. He was afraid of startling her. "Nat—"

"I'm fine," Natasha whispered. Her words were quiet but cut through the night time silence. "I'm just fine." She didn't want to meet his eyes so she stared intensely at her knees. Releasing her death grip on her shins, she brushed her hair out of her eyes. Here she was, the most vulnerable she could be, and her first instinct was to lie. She was going to lie through her teeth to get out of this.

"Okay," Bruce said softly. She saw the doubt in his eyes. "I'll be right back, okay?" He got up and waited for a reply, but she never gave one so he left the room.

The quiet was calming, but in an eerie way. Her heart had slowed, but nothing stopped the screams echoes bouncing inside her skull. With Bruce gone, she took the chance to look at her hands. Natasha held them before her eyes and watched them shake violently. The shaking frustrated her, but she was relieved they weren't soaked in red. Some nights were harder than others.

Natasha got lost in her thoughts until her bedroom door opened again. She jumped, but took a calming breath when she witnessed Bruce entering with two steaming cups of tea. He gently closed the door and sat on her bed.

"Will you please join me?" he asked. After a moment, Natasha nodded. It was enough to earn a small smile. She slowly pulled herself up onto the bed. Once she was situated with her knees pulled up to her chest protectively again, she accepted the hot mug of tea from the doctor.

"You're safe here," Bruce told her softly as she sipped her tea. Her eyes never moved from him, though she avoided his eyes. She was watching his subtle movements in a guarded manner. "I won't hurt you."

"I know you won't," she murmured with her lips resting against the side of the mug. "I'm never worried about you hurting me."

"Well, why are you looking at me like that then?" he asked curiously, but cautiously. "You know you could never hurt me."

"You weren't in the dream." Her voice was even and calculated. Her walls were up high.

"Natasha, please tell me what's wrong then," he requested as he looked at her with sad eyes.

"I kill people," she said simply. "I've killed more people than I can count."

"Only bad people since you've joined SHIELD," he reminded her.

"What right do I have to live if my sole purpose is to end others? My existence only cancels out lives." Her voice was devoid of emotion.

"Natasha," Bruce whispered. His people skills weren't the best and this wasn't his area of expertise. All he wanted to do was make her happy and he had no idea how. Leaning over, he set his cup down on the floor before scooting closer to her. He kept his movements slow to make sure he didn't startle her. Once he was right before her, he placed one finger under her chin and lifted it until they made eye contact. Her eyes were unreadable.

"You have every right to live," he told her firmly. "You can't change what you've done, no one can. What's important is to remember that isn't your sole purpose. You're job here is to help protect the world and there is collateral damage sometimes. Remember, you aren't only your job. You're a friend to everyone on our team. You're Clint's best friend. You're the person I care most about. You're the person who makes the best old man jokes to Steve. Your existence is important and so much more than you give yourself credit for." His voice stayed firm, but he let warmth mix in. He held eye contact the entire time. When she tried to look away, he would gently move her chin until she made contact again. By the end, her eyes were watering.

"I don't want to be this anymore," she whispered. Her words broke the flood gates and, suddenly, Natasha was alive with emotion, even if it was sadness. Tears ran down her cheeks all the way down to Bruce's finger, where they collected. He used his other hand to gently wipe her tears away.

"Someone once told me it's good to let yourself cry," he reminded her with a soft smile. "It's important to take your own advice."

Natasha nodded and set her mug on her nightstand. She crawled back under the covers and Bruce followed her. With her bundle of too many blankets for summer pulled up to her ears, she pressed her face against Bruce's old tee shirt. His arms wrapped around her and she let it all out. Natasha Romanoff let all of her tears out. She sobbed so hard her body shook as she mourned all the lives she had stolen.

For an hour, Natasha cried harder than she could remember ever doing. She cried so hard her chest ached and her lungs burned, but she let the waves of grief hit her. The entire time Bruce kept his arms around her, one hand stroking her vibrant hair. He whispered soft words to her, encouraging her to feel what she truly felt and, in that moment, it was an overwhelming sadness. She was crying so much she was afraid she would never stop. But she did, because no matter how hard or how long one cries, there will always be an end to it.

Once she was done crying, her body ached and her eyes were sore. She coughed twice and felt her entire body going limp with exhaustion.

"Thank you, Bruce," Natasha whispered into his chest.

"You're welcome, Natasha," he told her. He held her long after she fell asleep. He held her until pink mixed in with the night sky and people down the hall began to wake. He held her to make up for all the affection she never got. He held her to keep her safe from her nightmares.

"I adore you, Natasha," Bruce Banner murmured into her hair and closed his eyes.

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 **A/N: Well, there you go! Lot's of steps forward in one! You know that means a few step backs soon lol watch out!**

 **Thanks for reading and please review! You just always say such lovely things!**


	21. Not A Romance Novel

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, but here's the next chapter! Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel, kay?**

Natasha hadn't really noticed it until recently, but her world was changing. It was hard for her to truly process it and the amount it actually affected her. She was still use to suppressing feelings and lying through her teeth. It took a lot to change that behavior and even more to accept what it meant. Natasha always thought she really had a grasp on how different her life was, but there was always something that happened to show her there was another layer beneath what she recognized, more feeling or meaning, that she hadn't noticed yet.

Tonight was one of those moments. Natasha hadn't been able to sleep so she crawled out of her bed. Bruce stirred, but didn't wake. They spent a lot of their nights together, but not every night. It was never an assumption the other would end up asleep next to them. It usually just happened. Some nights Bruce still stayed up until dawn working in the lab and Natasha was getting busier and busier with missions again.

Instead of leaving to the bathroom or the kitchen, Natasha sat on the chair in her room and just watched Bruce. She felt a bit creepy doing it, but her heart got this warm feeling when she looked at him. She was still trying to process that.

Bruce was lying on his stomach, arms wrapped around one of her pillows. His curls were messier than they were in the day and the mounaint of blankets Natasha kept on the bed stopped at his upper back, leaving just the top of his bare shoulders visible.

The nights Bruce arrived at her door without a shirt tended to be her favorite. Not for any sexual reason, which she had expected, but because it meant she would get to touch his skin when they laid in bed. Natasha couldn't remember ever wanting to do something as pointless as touching someone's skin. Just resting one's hand on someone's skin wasn't supposed to be that exciting of an action. She had touched a lot of people for missions and she had never felt the desire to. It wasn't something she craved usually. With Bruce, she could spend an entire evening just watching her hand lay on his chest.

That desire, that feeling was what Natasha was really trying to make sense of that night. It was past midnight and Natasha was sitting in a chair, in her room, staring at a man because she wanted to touch him. It all made no sense. She couldn't understand. There was no sexual drive behind it like she read in those romance novels she tried. She didn't have a drive to do anything more than to just rest her skin against his. It was such a strange feeling for her, to do so. Natasha had had to touch all sorts of men and women throughout her missions because it was part of the task but, besides that, she never had this. She had never had someone to touch that she cared about.

It worried her—only a bit—because Bruce had had that before and she never had. She wasn't jealous or upset he had been with other people—that would be hypocritical of her. No, she was worried he wouldn't understand if she tried to explain why she felt the need to lie awake next to him and let her hands wander his arms, neck, and torso. Natasha still didn't have the words to explain it.

This desire wasn't what they had in books. The world didn't suddenly make sense when she touched him and she didn't feel whole or perfect or any mythical sparks. Just touching him didn't make her feel safe. All the time she had spent trying to read about it only gave her nonsense. Sure, combined with who he was as a person made her feel safe and occasionally there were sparks, but it wasn't because skin was touching.

It was something closer to a primal need. Natasha had met people who believed people need physical contact with others' to feel _human._ She always thought it was bullshit because being human wasn't a feeling. She hadn't believed it was a thing until she realized she wasn't human; not in the mental sense. The Red Room had taught her to function, to take orders, to accomplish a mission, to take a life. She had only started learning how to live when she joined SHIELD. She had been learning to be human.

That's what she got from touching Bruce. Natasha realized she was human. She had no more words to describe what being human felt like exactly, she couldn't break it down any farther, but it felt good.

It had to have been an hour before she slowly climbed back into bed. She laid on her side, facing Bruce, and let her fingers gently glide across the top of his back. Natasha knew she could've been more careful to keep from waking him, but she didn't really mind having him up. Bruce stirred for a few moments before he slowly opened his eyes. A sleepy smile found its way across his lips.

"Hey," he murmured and Natasha let out a quiet chuckle.

"Hey," she replied lightly and returned his smile. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. They didn't exchange kisses as often as one might expect. They held hands and slept next to each other a lot, they spoke sweet words just as often, but they rarely kissed.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asked and stifled a yawn. He slowly reached out and rested his large hand on Natasha's cheek. Bruce had a habit of keeping his movements slower during the night to keep from startling her if she was ever in a panic mode again, just like Natasha kept her voice soft after his nightmares to calm him.

Natasha leaned into his warm hand and gently shook her head, careful not to move far away from his touch. "I could if I wanted to," she said honestly.

"And why don't you?" he inquired. He used his other arm to prop himself up some, to get a better view of her face. Worry began to seep into his eyes.

"Because I wanted to watch you," she replied, sticking to her honesty policy even if it was embarrassing. She felt her cheeks warm and she knew her blush was visible. It was something she knew how to control, but she didn't.

"Hmm," he said, caught slightly off guard. "Why did you want to watch me, Miss Romanoff?" Bruce was curious now.

"Because I needed to think. You…affect me a lot." She watched his expression carefully. Her honesty policy didn't involve leaving herself wide open for hurt, not that she would expect it from him. Natasha would always be a careful person.

"I dare say that's a good thing," he said cautiously, making sure it was. When she didn't give any obvious facial cues that his guess could be wrong, he continued: "You affect me a lot, too, by the way."

"I'm glad," she told him, "and it is a good thing, Bruce." Taking a cue from those damn books she read, she nuzzled his hand gently with her cheek. His eyes widened a bit and his face managed to soften more. Bruce had old experience with showing affection and was cautious with it because he was afraid of getting in too deep. Natasha was the opposite; she had no idea how to show genuine affection. She had the knowledge she was taught, but she never experienced the free will of learning how she individually showed it.

"How do I affect you?" he asked softly, guiding the conversation. She had sparked his curiosity, which can be risky with a scientist.

"I feel this…need to…" Natasha blushed as she tried to find a way of saying it without the sexual connotation that came with it. "To…feel my skin against yours, like this," she showed an example by nodding toward her hand still moving over his upper back. His eyes did widen more until he picked up on the example. She felt his muscles tense for the second between her words and his realization before they returned to normal. "It feels so nice," she murmured, eyes focused on her hand.

"It does," he replied softly. "It feels very comforting." He gave her a slightly bigger smile to emphasis this fact.

"I could lie here all night, just like this," Natasha told him softly. She moved closer, so she was almost pressed against his side. Her torso was brushing his arm and Bruce locked eyes with her.

"M-maybe now would be a good time to talk," Bruce said quietly. Natasha's stomach dropped and she wasn't sure why.

"Alright," she said, "what is it you want to discuss?" With that, Bruce sat up. She mimicked his movement and the two sat on her bed, facing each other. He reached out and took her hands in his. Natasha Romanoff began to feel nervous which had to be her least favorite emotion.

"I know you've read my file already, but it would be irresponsible for me to not discuss it with you." Natasha nodded, but she wasn't following him yet. "Natasha, you know, I can't have, umm, sex, right?" he asked her, eyes gazing right at hers. There was a moment of silence and Natasha's worry left.

Natasha let out a soft laughter, taking one of her hands back to hold onto her stomach. "Oh Christ, I was expecting something awful. Yes, I know that Bruce. There's no need to worry." She stopped laughing so the words she said could be taken seriously. "I came into this relationship aware of that. You'd Hulk out and that'd be such a compromising situation." She paused and shifted awkwardly for a moment.

"What is it you aren't saying?" Bruce asked.

"I don't want you to think anything is wrong with me when I tell you this, okay?" she asked nervously.

"I won't," he promised.

"Well, I, uhh, I don't really feel the need to have…sex," she said slowly, trying to gage his reaction. "It might've been because of The Red Room or maybe it's just me, I'm not sure, but I don't really feel the need to go have sex. The need just isn't…there." She finished and looked and him expectantly.

"Natasha, why would something be wrong with you for that?" he asked softly. His expression was a mixture of affection and confusion.

"Because that's what people want: sex. Whether it be with whatever gender or, I guess with Thor it'd be alien? It doesn't matter, but people want it, right?"

"Natasha, some people don't want sex. It might be because of low sex drives or because they're asexual. There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting sex." He paused. "I mean, that works pretty well for us, doesn't it?" He smiled warmly at her and Natasha relaxed.

"Can I still keep telling Tony we have Earth shattering sex whenever he asks?" Natasha teased. She was relieved, but ready to move on from the subject. There were things she wasn't ready to cover yet.

"He asks you too?" Bruce groaned. "Does he have any idea how to mind his own business?"

"No, that's why you've got to mess with him. Give him crazy stories or vague, exciting answers. It drives him crazy. It's a great hobby."

"I bet it is," Bruce laughed. He leaned forward and kissed Natasha once, which she happily held for longer than he expected. Just because she didn't want sex didn't mean she disliked kissing him. It felt nice.

"Let's get some sleep," he suggested softly and Natasha smiled. They both laid back down under the mound of blankets Natasha insisted stayed on her bed year long. She grew up in the cold and the blankets were one of the luxuries of her new life she loved.

"I adore you," Natasha told Bruce softly, face turned towards him. She had her hand rested on his upper back again, keeping the contact between them.

"I adore you too," Bruce told her honestly, eyes locked. Bruce cared for Natasha so much it scared him.

 **A/N: I really wanted to go through her thought process, so here it is. Sorry if the lack of sex is going to disappoint anyone. This is probably my only ship where I firmly believe sex is just utterly impossible. And my favorite headcanon is Natasha being asexual, oops.**

 **I hope you enjoyed it regardless. Thanks for reading and please review!**


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